My Tye Dyed baby

So its no secret that some of you know that Levi was born with a good portion of his lower body covered in a rash like birthmark called: Port Wine Stain.

Yea, don't worry, I didn't know what it was either.

I remember thinking when he came out, "Wow, this kid has some serious birthmarks!"...by the time we made it to the mother/baby unit we were the talk of the hall and the nurse was telling us the pedatrition would be calling us and a Genetic doctor would be coming to see us soon.

*Huh?*

Of course, it didn't take me much time to pull out my smart phone and start conversing with Dr Google. Actually, Wes was guilty too. Only because we had no clue what it was, or what it meant. Was he healthy? Was this going away? It was just a birthmark right?

The genetic doctor came and met with us for a good hour or so, handed us a stack of medical articles on port wine stain explaining how other medical conditions could be attached to 'his condition' and that we would need to see a specialist to further asses him. She told us how lucky we were that there was none on his face or head because there were some serious life threating things attached to port wine stain on the head and neck BUT that in Levi's case, she hadn't seen that much port wine stain on the lower portion of a baby in a long time. Because of that, they would need to run some additional tests on Levi in the hospital.  But Levi was altogether healthy and all his tests checked out 100% normal so there was nothing to worry about. At least right now.  

And that began our journey into a world of wondering what the heck port wine stain was, why he had so much of it, and learning about this rare genetic happening that has no explanation other than a DNA coding 'blip' if you will, that sometimes happens in the first trimester of pregnancy. No cause. Hereditary? no. Genetic? yes. Honestly, just a blip in one strain of DNA. 

Yes, he is THAT special.

Because of him being 'that' special, there are not many doctors familiar with the staining or the various things that 'could be' attached to so much of it. Therefore, as a serial googler, I have found my 'research' (if you will), to be frustrating. In other words, there just isn't much information on it other than fancy medical studies and journals which, lets face it, are just plain boring and confusing to read.

With that said, what I have found has at least been accurate information and with my little limited college biology background classes, I have had at least a vague understanding of enough of medical jargon to 'get my by' to be able to formulate and ask responsible and reasonable questions.

So here is the low down. At 2.5 months when we met with the specialist for the first time at Duke,  we were told basically what we already knew: he had port wine stain; we were lucky it wasn't on his head and neck; there can be 'other physical things and syndromes' attached to as much of it as he has; and we just needed to take the wait and see approach to Levi.

We learned a few other things like: he will always struggle with eczema and dry skin; his port wine stain is like those mood rings, meaning that it changes color with his 'temps' or moods. Purple means he is cold, Red means he is hot, and when he is 'just fine' it fades a bit. Kind of cool. Really cool in fact. How many other people can brag about their mood ring kid?
Also, because of the numerous amounts of capillaries and such that are so close to the skin he can be quicker to get frost bite so we need to be sure to be very careful with him in the cold weather. Always keep hands and feet covered and him out of the cold.

We were sent home from that appointment with a few things to watch for but that she was certain that with the type of port wine stain he had, she didn't think he would ever have any more 'complications' other than it just being a vascular birthmark. She told us that IF anything presented itself it would probably be once he started walking.

Well, ok. However, as a mama, you tend to tuck a lot of the 'what if' information in the back of your head and secretly wonder things....all the time. I have always been watching.

Levi started crawling or attempting to not stay in one place from about the age of 4 months. That was when I started noticing the most that one hand looked larger than the other but I thought maybe I was just mistaking chubby baby hands for swollen and it was all in my head. But honestly there were some days and nights I would stare at his hand, and his little pointer finger in particular and think, "That just doesn't look normal". No one else seemed to 'notice' so apart from the random comments I would make to Wes from time to time, I just let it go.

At Levi's 6 month doctors apt though I just couldn't hardly stand it anymore and asked the pediatrician if it looked normal to him. Upon me pointing it out he very clearly said, "Yes, it is larger than the other hand. I think we should do an x-ray". (abnormal bone growth is one of the things you look for with the KTS syndrome) So we did. Results came back that it was 'just vascular' and we would reevaluate at his 9 month apt. Good news....right?

As the colder weather has set in, I have noticed the swelling more and more. Sometimes his pointer finger curls under as he crawls. Sometimes I have noticed him much fussier than normal. But he is a 8 month old baby and teething and growing and changing....so I let it go.

I had him back to the doctor a few weeks ago to check his ears for an ear infection. The doctor examining him noticed his hand right away and started asking a zillion questions and really examining the 'swollen' chubby hand. Yes, yes, it was swollen. *guess my eyes weren't playing tricks on me*.  But again, its a weird physical anomaly we are dealing with here so even the doctors here aren't real 'schooled' in the 'what nexts' and don't offer me much other than, "give some Motrin for the inflammation".

As I was venting to Wes that evening about everyone now noticing Levi's hand but no one offering me what I should do about it, because it now stays in a constant state of swollen, he very calmly told me to call down to Duke and talk to them. We were established and she said if I ever had any questions I could call them. *smart man*

So I called the next day and the nurse wanted me to email pictures. Within 30 min of emailing the pictures, the specialist called and said, "We need to see him next week".

So last week we made the trek back to Duke to have Levi's hand evaluated. (and his foot. Since all this started I noticed his one foot swelling too). I was so validated as a mom when the specialist and the nurses def. noticed the swelling and began to 'treat' us as if something was indeed going on that we needed to further evaluate. For such a long time I have thought that it was all in my head and I was worried to get down there only to have them 'laugh' at me over exaggerating something.  I don't want to make mountains out of mole hills with this if I don't need to but I also don't want to ignore something just because I'm 'taking their word for it'.

Within the first 2 min of the doctors apt, Dr Bellet said, "Yes, I do believe we are starting to see the beginning of a vascular malformation in his hand and possibly his foot and I believe we need to do an MRI to 'see where we are at' in terms of what is going on underneath the skin."

While it is not of 'great concern' now, and we still need to take the wait and see approach, we need the MRI as our baseline for the future of what could happen. Or will. Vascular Malformations are progressive. Meaning, they don't 'get better'. They progress. They eventually get painful. But what we don't know is the rate of progression. Will it happen next month? Or will it progress when he is 80 years old? THAT we don't know. So she can't offer me any more information. And she can't really say much more than that until after she evaluates the MRI. There are treatments but from what we are told, you wait until the last minute for those.

Is this the start of a possible diagnosis of the Klippil Tranauy Weber Syndrome? We don't know. She said he was a 'tricky little guy' because she didn't think we would have any issues at all and here we are at 8 months old with some stuff going on. She didn't think so, but she couldn't deny it either.

So what now? Well, We go for the MRI on Friday Dec 12. Because he is a baby and you have to be perfectly still for the test, Levi will have to go under general anesthesia to have it done. *yuck*

Dr Bellet will now converse with a 'team' of other specialists to review Levi. A Radiologist was mentioned as was an Orthopedic doctor. She will meet with them after the MRI results are back and they will asses what is going on. What we need to do next. IF we need to do anything.

The most practical and possible outcome after the MRI is that she will prescribe us compression garments for him to wear to help keep the swelling down. Constant swelling can present other issues such as infection and clots. So we need to try and keep that down. And I need to keep feeling his hand for 'lumps under the skin'.

This just is with Levi. I can't change it. I have already worried for him as his mom when he starts to get a little older and kids start to 'notice' his port wine. And be kids. And be mean. That worries me more than the physical stuff has as I have already intercepted the general public making comments on my 'burned baby'. I know you can't fault people for being curious but sometimes, people have no filter.

The cool thing has been for me to watch Jacksons feisty, strong willed personality form and Levi's jolly happy personality begin to come out and I can only imagine that Jackson will constantly be Levi's 'body guard'. I can already see a bit into the future and anticipate getting 'that call' that Jackson is suspended from school for decking a kid on the playground for making fun of his brother. To which, this Mom will gladly take Jackson out for a milkshake. God made these two and their unique personalities just right. And that is getting more and more fun to see as their mama.

The verse that God has put in the forefront the most to me over this last week is Psalm 139. This is what I will tell Levi over and over again if it ever gets hard for him.
I like the way the Message puts it:

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.
 

This means that my Levi, with his port wine stain and all that it entails, was meant to be. He is so stinking special. This wasn't a surprise to God in the least bit. In fact, this is who He made Levi to be. Rare genetic blip and all.
I call him my Tye Dyed baby. Because that is what his body looks like. A cool tattoo if you will. And I love every little bit of it.

I will do my best to keep you updated if and when something were to arise from this. But for now, we just go to the next step for him which is the MRI. And that is all we know. That is all I can answer for now. So that is what I have to rest in. Once the doctor can see beneath the skin at the veins and the blood flow, well, then hopefully we will have something more tangible to work with. Until then, all we can do is take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Savor his moments of just being a 8 month old and stop trying to worry about the what ifs for his future.

Wes and I are learning to roll with the punches of this thing. Its getting a bit expensive I will admit. And we don't know what the future looks like in terms of compression garments, travel expenses, more specialists. But we are just taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. One trip at a time for now. God has provided up till this point and I know He will continue to do so. This hasn't taken Him by surprise.

We also don't know if Levi will have to wear full body garments or just garments on his hand and foot. Either way if its full body we are going to request that they look like a spider man suit. If its just a glove, maybe we can bedazzle it a bit to look like a Michael Jackson glove. Either way, we will try our best to make light of it, roll with it, and to encourage him to love who God made him to be.

To moms

So most of the time now, I put Jackson in bed and he will lay there till he falls asleep. But occasionally, like tonight, he wraps his little arms around my neck and says, "Rock mommy". 

Oh how I am beginning to savor these fleeting moments out of him. 

I have never been 'that mom' that taught her kids to self soothe. I just couldn't. Didn't have it in me. Jackson was a very hard baby. Really hard. He never slept longer than 3 hours at a time for the first year and 1/2 of his life and even still, only totally sleeps through the night in his own bed about 30% of the time. Maybe if I would have just let him scream himself to sleep early on like everyone in the universe encouraged me to do, we would be in a different boat, but dare I say, maybe not. I feel like I can honestly say that because I have done NOTHING different with kid #2 and since about the 6-7 month window, Levi sleeps 10-12 hours at night, in his own bed, every night.... and, get this,  I rock him to sleep every night. *gasp!* 

(For the record, It is GLORIOUS! )

Dare I say that SOME kids just are just better sleepers than others. Levi just has a different temperament. Even as a colicky infant, he was a pretty good sleeper. He always went 5 hours the first stretch of time from the moment we brought him home. Even when I nursed him. And even when his colic got the worst. 

I have watched him on our fancy monitor wake up, roll himself over, bat his eyes, and drift back off to sleep. I have NEVER let the kid scream himself to sleep. I have always responded to his cries. I am just that mom. Totally my choice. Not yours, I get that. But mine. And Levi has done it all on his own. 

However, interestingly enough, what used to feel like 'work' to me of having to rock Jackson to sleep every night, over and over again, I find myself savoring, as these moments are starting to become a distant memory. Tonight, as I sat and rocked my two year old who was falling off my lap because he is just getting too big, I found myself holding him a bit tighter and not wanting to lay him down as he drifted off to sleep.  Lets face it, as much as it soothes him it nourishes me too. And the older he gets, the more independent he gets, the more I miss the art of rocking him to sleep. And yes, its art. Its hard mothering art. 

There were many nights I sat with a grumpy heart thinking of a zillion other things I needed to be doing rather than rocking my kid to sleep that wasn't going to sleep long anyways. Many nights I lost my cool as a mom. Many nights I fell asleep at 8 o clock in the rocking chair because I was so exhausted from the sleep depravation I was experiencing, my body just couldn't handle it anymore. Especially when I was pregnant, working 40 hours a week, and only getting two hour naps night after night. 

But for the most part, most nights, I spent a lot of time rocking and praying over him. Praying for God to just let his body rest. Praying over his little mind. For him to settle. Pleading with God for that magic, "Dear God let this kid sleep longer than three hours so I can get some sleep" request. Praying for his future. Praying for his heart to love Jesus. Praying deep mama prayers. My moments.

As I have watched him grow older and get better at wanting to do the sleep thing for himself; becoming more independent in his own skin and less in his mamas arms, I find myself secretly missing those moments. Its funny to me.  

So with all that said, tonight I had these thoughts popping around in my head as I sat there rocking him and I just want to take a moment to encourage 'moms' or 'mommies to be' with something. Don't spend so much time judging each others 'methods' that we fail to look for the moments with our kids that are "our times". Lets not impose our parenting methods on each other because it worked for us in the name of 'good parenting' rather than encouraging one another through the hard mama moments. Lets start saying, "your his/her mom. God gave you what you need to do this", you know what to do. I wish I had heard that with Jackson. But sadly, it was few and far in-between that encouraged me that way. 

As I have matured a bit as a mother, I realize now that rocking my kids to sleep; not teaching them to 'self soothe', has been 'my time' with them. My special mama moments. Moments I will never get back. Moments I will remember, good and bad, that are forever etched on my heart. My moments with them that I chose because I knew in my heart, this is what I needed to do for them. 

But I spent a lot of Jacksons infancy feeling like I was doing something wrong. Living under the 'guilt' of simple encouragement or advice from others, that I lost sight of some of those times. So what changed? 

Lets just say that having baby #2 has changed my confidence as a mom to better understand my own inner mama methods and stand firm on them. TO have confidence in them. Especially because I not only experienced having two under two, I had two under two and a second baby with colic. That was hard. But so so good for me as it grew my weak, insecure and tired mama heart into a strong confidence that I never would have known if I didn't go through such a dark time. Seems backwards to have to gain mothering confidence that way, but that is what God did for me through it. 

My inner mama got strong. Really strong. Bold in fact. 

So let me just say this. You choose to teach your kid to self soothe, more power to ya. You have other moments in your day that I am sure you find great joy in as a mom. You choose to nurse, more power to ya. I chose to nurse, then gave it up when it got too hard for me to manage and once again bottle/formula fed baby #2 and guess what? My kids are NORMAL! Go figure eh? They are smart, and growing and healthy....totally off of store bought, factory made, formula. WHOA! stop it right? 

Yes mommies, stop it. Stop it! Stop the whole teach your kid to self soothe or your child will never have normal sleep patterns nonsense. Stop the whole, if you don't nurse your kid your child will get cancer at an early age, have horrible allergies, and never be able to have a normal immunity. Stop the whole, home school vs public school vs christian school debates. Stop the whole SAHM vs Working Mom garbage. Stop it. 

Lets empower each other in our individual choices first rather than lending our parenting how to's to each other. Lets encourage each other to stand on our inner God given mothering instincts for each one of our kids...because each one of your kids will be different. Its ok to do things different for kid #1 than you do for kid #2. Its ok. Ok for you to make choices for your kids without scrutiny from others. 

I have many friends and aquantinces on FB that are just getting ready to start on their parenting journey. Many who just had their first. Some who are having their 2nd or 3rd or 4th. Some who are just now parenting kids who are older. And I guess I am writing this to say, if you hear ONE positive word of advice from a mom, may it be this: You are strong. You are a good mom. You will be a awesome mom. You know what it takes to help your child grow. 

On the flip side: You will fail as a parent. You will do things as a parent you swear you never would have before you had kids. Deal with it. Admit it. Celebrate it. You are normal. Your kids will be ok. You will be ok. 

Enjoy them. Enjoy the good times and learn from the hard times. And know that you are loved by God. He gave your kids to you. You are loved by me. I don't care if you attachment parent, choose to leave your kid in daycare, or let your kid scream till they fall asleep. As long as you are standing on your parent gut in your decision making, then I can love you through it with , "atta girl. You are an AWESOME mom and doing an AWESOME job". 

I realize this blog is all over the place and a bit random, but I want other moms to know how much it doesn't matter which path, method, or strategy you choose to parent your kid down. What matters is that you listen to your God given mama heart for your kids and choose wisely. Its gonna get hard. You will question yourself over and over and over again. Its ok. Use it as a check and balance, then move on. Learn to savor your mama moments with your kids. Whatever that looks like for you. 

If you ever need someone to encourage you, I promise I will. I will pray with you. I will share my deepest parenting yuck with you and my greatest parenting highs. Just know that this mom is on your side. I promise to be a safe place. I promise to love you. 

And if you are having a really hard time, I have perfected the art of 'rocking to sleep' even the most restless of hearts. That is, if you still fit on my lap. ;-) 

And cue colic/reflux in baby #2 in 5....4....3...2....

Ok here it is. My promise to those of you crazy enough to muddle through my inept writing skills.

As stated in my FB post, I have been surviving my second child’s bout of colic/reflux the last two months. It has been fun. Let me tell ya. No really.

I am not sure what I have done to deserve going through this twice. Not going to relive Jacksons crazy infant months but he came out a fussy/colicky/refluxy little soul, and also a very ‘high needs’ baby now turned into a ‘high needs’ toddler. All you mamas familiar with the phrase ‘high needs’ will understand what I mean. Yes all babies/kids are needy. But there is a certain ‘type’ that are a bit….mmm….different.

Just google Dr Sears 12 characteristics and you will see what I mean. The only child rearing book I have actually spent money on is his book “The fussy baby book” which made me feel like less of a failure thanks to the other zillion “how to” raise your child books given to me by moms that swear by them that made me constantly feel like a failure because, well, my kid just didn’t DO all those nice schedule things….and for good reason. He is different. Even our pediatrician at our first apt with Jackson said, “He is a tough one. Good luck. If it’s any consolation, these kids tend to be extremely smart and do very well academically. But it will be a rough several years. Especially the two’s…. (Which we will hit…mmm. Aug1. Yeah, already experiencing it…thanks doc) So suffice it to say, I did not walk into motherhood with Jackson very gracefully. Postpartum struck me hard and I had a hard time coping. But we got through it and on to happier times. And once I ‘got’ who Jackson is, I fell deeply in love with him.

So we thought surely we couldn’t have TWO like that. Our 1 in however many babies struck with colic odds were in our favor the second go around….right? WRONG

 Levi, who’s temperament is much different (still needy but not quite what Jackson was) than Jackson, was absolutely a perfect little baby the first 3-4 weeks…I have to say though, looking back, I know God’s hand was in it during those graceful weeks with Levi because the day we brought him home from the hospital, Jackson was diagnosed with a really bad case of RSV and I spent my ‘recovery’ period from a C-section breaking all the rules of lifting and taking it easy, getting Jackson better. But then Levi said, “Ok my turn now mom”, and well then the fussiness came….back arching, coughing, gaging, choking on every feed….crying escalating into screaming…and officially at 4 weeks we then entered into infant reflux/colic hell.

I say that to say those of you out there that have always had cute, cuddly, easy, go with the flow infants/babies have absolutely NO clue what it is like. Seriously I have laughed out loud reading some ‘colic/reflux’ message boards online when some smart mom gets on there and says, “Have you tried the Mylicon gas drops? It worked for my colicky baby!” or “Gripe water saved us!!”….Seriously chick, that ain’t colic if you can “fix” your babies gas with those. You have NO CLUE so get off the message board.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but Reflux is hard. Colic is awful. It isn’t ‘just gas’ that can be fixed with an over the counter remedy (although I have gone through gallons of gas drops and gripe water trying)…it is unbearably gut wrenching watching your new bundle of baby screaming in agony. And you, as a sleep deprived mom, trying with all your might to ‘fix’ them for months with elimination diets, formulas, medicines, chiropractors, old remedies your grandmother swears by….but nothing works.  Like imagine your baby being possessed. That is my only description that I can visualize to get it through someone’s head. I can show you a video of Levi in a ‘colic fit’ but I am not going to post it here. It is not your cute baby. It was as if something came into his body and took over. And you are left speechless. For a few weeks he was like that all day long. Sometimes inconsolable, but mostly always fussy. I have spent hours upon hours listening to his fussing or crying…. For weeks that turn into months. It is enough to drive someone to the utter brink of jumping out a window, driving off the road, overeating, under eating, drinking….name your vice.

Seriously think I am suffering some kind of PTSD after surviving this ordeal.  Well, we are still in the midst of it…its fading a bit, but not fully through it yet. Still going bonkers.

I have yelled at God, yelled at Levi, yelled at Jackson, yelled at my husband, yelled at myself, yelled at the dog…yes, I have lost it…many times. I will admit it. It is hard. And there have been days when I have sat and cried with him and Jackson rocking both of them in the recliner most of the day because, well, it was all I had the energy or mental capacity to do.

I have gone many days unbathed and unkept. Days where I don’t know if I actually ate anything at all and days when I ate everything in sight. I have worn the same clothes days upon days in a row because I literally didn’t have time to go change my clothes. I know my husband has come home from work wondering why the dishes are still piled up in the sink and the unfolded laundry baskets still unfolded...Did I have windows of time to do those things? Yes, maybe I did that day. But in those moments I would find myself sitting in that same recliner…rocking…googling things…just sitting waiting  and wondering which one was going to wake up first…or anticipating the meltdown moment when they both woke up at the same time and neither one of them very happy about the other needing mommy too. Just sitting trying to survive the day till bedtime only to wake up in a dazed fog the next morning happy to chalk one more day to the past and to get through one more day of putting all of this behind us.  

People have offered to help me. But I have been too embarrassed to actually take them up on it or know where to start to have them help. My life is a wreck right now and so are me and my house….

And Jackson. My poor almost two year old who is oh so introverted and likes routine, calm, quiet, oh so busy and requires lots of attention, well, has been having a bit of a time adjusting to the noise and chaos of his new brother and his frazzled parents. There are times where colic has returned in him in response to Levi’s colic. And me, being not right in the head right now googling all these ‘behaviors’ wondering if he is showing signs of autism or some other sensory processing disorder because well, he is having another fit on the floor, all the while my mom laughing at me to remind me that he is about to turn 2 and that his comprehension and abilities to do things are off the charts and he is ‘responding’ to his version of coping with the whole situation assuring me all the while he will never remember half of this.

Frazzled parents, screaming and crying all day long, not being able to be picked up by mommy because she is frantically pacing the floor with his NEW baby brother; and him, being a late talker and not able to verbally express what he feels, well, does so emotionally. He, in a way, is mimicking me. He is saying, “Mommy is off her rocker” so I will do the same. Poor boy. I do feel mommy regret for him. I want him to look at me and see strong. But he isn’t right now. I can’t expect him to be strong when I am not teaching him how to be. He’s close to two, but he’s not quite there. He is still a baby himself.  Two under two...who thought that was a good idea?

To be honest I miss my time with Jackson the most. Wes has had to take over most duties with him like bath time, getting up, going to bed,  because well, I am trying to get through another bottle with Levi or bouncing a colicky baby all evening long. I miss Jackson. He is a sweet soul. My firstborn who I know I have made so many mistakes with but we have gotten through it...together...kinda a special bond...and I miss just holding him or playing with him not having to worry about the screaming kid in the background.

In some of my darkest moments when he has seen me lose it with tears running down my face, he looks at me and intentionally tries to do something funny to make me laugh. And that is when I know he gets it. In his own way. And I know he’s ok. And I plead with God for the millionth time to let this dust settle soon for the sake of all of us.

I remember regretting Jackson. I remember the “what were we thinking having kids?” feeling I got with him the first time through this. I now feel the same way with Levi. *gasp! I said it…honesty* And I am not going to apologize to anyone by saying that this is a time in my life I don’t ever want to relive or revisit. Desperately wanting a family my whole life to suffer through three miscarriages and two bouts of colic seems horribly cruel. I just don’t ever want to go back and revisit this again. Ever.

Am I wishing his infancy away? Yes. Yes I am. When you suffer through this with your child you want them to hurry up and grow up too because it will only make them feel better. You know the only cure for their gut wrenching baby heartburn is for them to get older, quick, and you know that time WILL indeed fix it so you wish it away for them too. That is my ONLY sanity at the moment in living this through the first time. I DO understand it has an end.

Don’t feel sorry because it’s not sad. It’s looking ahead at the (finally) happy stages you have coming. I don’t like babies. Babies are hard. My babies are hard. And it’s ok for me to say that. I do love my children, but many many moments over the last few months, I have not liked them. I just want one day where I don’t hear screams first thing when I wake up or the last thing before going to bed. One day where I drink my coffee hot. Or eat on a normal plate at a normal time. Or sleep more than 3 hours in a row. Or be able to groom the way I used to.

I am not asking for pity. From anyone. That is the last thing I need right now. I don’t want hate mail or bad comments because it sounds like I am ungrateful and I need to count my blessings in all this. And yes, I know the phrase "God doesn't give you more than you can handle...ect ect"...well, at times it has totally felt like more than I can handle. And I am not doing well handling it. I know I will look back one day and be able to understand a little clearer, but right now all I want is to move on already and be able to enjoy my kids. I don’t want counseling advice. Yes I know I may need some counseling. I defently know I need a haircut and a long shower. And a massage. And sleep. Yes. Sleep.

Ok. Long enough blog. Maybe I will be funnier in a later one but for now, just catching you up.