The pediatrician to me at Jackson’s 9 month apt: “Let’s talk
about Jackson’s temperament/ personality. Judging by my observations of him
over the last few months, temperamentally, I would defiantly qualify Jackson as
a high needs baby… and I don’t envy you. BUT, with that said, the positive in
it is that in looking ahead, these types of children tend to be very
intelligent, excellent in school and also form deeper social friendships than
most kids. They are developmentally advanced and while it has its benefits, it
has major struggles. You will need to work hard to keep him focused and his
constant energy expended. He is more aware. He takes more work than the average
kid. And that is where it becomes exhausting as a parent.”
Nothing I didn’t
already know. It was just reassuring to finally hear it come from my doctor.
High needs babies. Heard of it before?
“But Heather”, you say, “Really aren’t all babies are high
needs?”
Yes. Babies are needy. Babies are sneaky. Babies suck energy
out of parents. Babies are born inherently….well, sinful. Yes there I said it.
And it is your role as a parent to shape them from the time they come out of
your womb until the time they leave this earth. I get that.
But unless you truly understand and have had a “High needs
baby”, you don’t really get it. I didn’t get it. I have had a very hard time
with major mommy guilt at how my child is vs. other babies around his same age
who can just sit still. Who sleep through the night. Who eat on command. Who can be put down to play with toys. Who
don’t need you 24/7. Major mommy guilt
at thinking I have created my child to ‘be this way’ by something I was doing
wrong. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Feeling alone in how I would respond to him. Why
is my kid so….different?
I have done research. I have had friends send me to websites
and blogs. The most common website is called “the fussy baby site”. And
honestly, I have found great comfort in those sites. Knowing I am not alone or going crazy.
Below is The 12 Features of a High Need Baby according to
Dr. Sears* –
1) Intense 2) Hyperactive 3) Draining 4) Feeds Frequently 5)
Demanding 6) Awakens Frequently 7) Unsatisfied 8)
Unpredictable 9) Super Sensitive 10) I Can’t Put My Baby Down 11) Not A
Self-Soother 12) Separation Sensitive
From the time Jackson came out of my womb, he came out
really really alert. Reaching milestones developmentally very early on and I
knew something was way different about him.
His colicky, reflux issues, neck issues and Fussiness aside,
the two words I have heard others use to
describe Jackson when they meet him is
active and intense. If I had a dime for every time someone said to me “Wow, you
have your hands full!” I could have paid off my student loans in the 10 months
of his little life.
He doesn’t do well with other people holding him. He still
isn’t a good self-soother. He never
stops moving. He demands either Wes’s time or mine or both of us if we are in
the room together. Very unpredictable. Hanging on my leg constantly. And just
recently, even started crying when I leave him with my Mom in the morning who
has watched him since he was a very tiny baby. I could go on and on about his
poor sleep habits. His busyness. His constant mommy neediness. And I know all babies go through phases of
stuff. Stuff like what I just listed. But with Jackson, he is all of the above
all the time. Period.
I could sit here and pour out my heart at the guilt I have
felt from others when it comes to Jackson. All my regrets about mommy comparisons
when in a group talking about our kids. My constant feelings of desperation in
wanting another friend to have a high needs baby so I can have a person who
just ‘gets it’. My overwhelmed and alone days of feeling like a mommy failure.
My total exhaustion with him.
But I am not going to do that.
It hasn’t been until recently that God has really been
working on my heart with these issues. I have to admit I have been secretly mad
that after all I have been through; God gave me a hard baby. But with that said, I am in the process of
learning to accept the fact that God has made Jackson how God has made Jackson.
His intensity in how he sees and explores and feels this world is going to be
exciting as we watch him grow and mature from baby, to little boy, to man. And
in my opinion, I am excited to watch how his High needs personality is going to
play out. This world needs more men that
are ‘feelers’ that are overly aware of their surroundings that can form deep
emotional relationships that never lose sight of their immediate protector. My
only hope is that it is transferred from Mom and Dad to God. When I think about
him wanting the Lord as much as he wants me right now, I get all goose bumpy. I
could very well be raising a true world changer. *perspective is a wonderful
thing*
As his mama, I have a choice at this stage of the game. I
can choose to frustratingly try and control his sleep, control his eating, and
control his neediness by simply not responding. Yes, I know Crying it out won’t
kill a baby. I know that overscheduling is good for some. I know that making
them sit and play by themselves is good….trust me, I have tried it all. And
continue to try.
But the more I accept Jackson as his own individual, with
his own little genetic make-up from God, who needs me to respond differently to
him (as exhausting and constant as it is), I could be squelching something God
wants to eventually develop into something deeply beautiful. Not that he isn’t
now. Because he is. But at times, as his mom, I feel overwhelmed by these
factors. Feel like I am treading water every day just to get to the next stage
with him hoping it will provide me some rest.
Yes I am still the parent. Yes, sometimes I just have to let
him cry because I need some sanity. And yes, I love him so very much.
I am tired. Exhausted. Haven’t slept a full night since way
before he was born. But Jackson is changing me. Changing my perspective.
Breaking me of my deep control issues. Forcing me to once again realize my need
for God and that I don’t know it all. Overwhelming me at the love I get from
him constantly. (Mommy neediness isn’t always a bad thing. J )
To anyone out there that is reading this that ‘gets
it’….gets the high needs baby, you are not alone. You are a great mom. Your
child needs you differently, and that is ok. Don’t beat yourself up about
sleep. Don’t let others talk down to you. Be confident that “He who began a
good work in you, and your child, will be faithful to complete it.”….”He is
your rock and your shield”….”He is your rest”.
Look to the Lord for your parental validation, not the wisdom of men.
And most importantly pray. Pray for yourself. Pray for your child.
I know how much you need sleep. I know how much you wish you
had more patience. I know how much you just sometimes want to not hold a baby.
I know how much you want to not worry when you go somewhere if it will be
great, or a disaster. I know how you feel. I know.
