Prayers of the Saints...

We have a small group that meets in our home every Thursday night. This group of friends have become a source of great support and love…more like family. We laugh together, eat together, study God’s word together, cry together, and pray over one another on a weekly basis. It is a priceless gift I never want to be without.

 

My brother and sister in law are part of this group and just last week, as Danielle neared the due date of her first baby, we gathered around them and prayed over them. Prayed for a safe delivery, for protection, for strength.

Prayers like that are important.

Sunday night at midnight Danielle went into labor. 4am they went to the hospital. As soon as her doctor checked her, her water broke and out came….the cord. Not good.  Cord prolapse is a rare and very dangerous thing for the unborn baby.
My brother described it as a scene from a movie. A nurse jumped on top of Danielle to put pressure on the baby’s head. Everytime Danielle contracted the blood supply to the babies brain was cut off causing his heart rate to drop to really bad levels. Teams of people rushed in, pushing Brian out of the way saying things like, “Emergency C-section”, and “We need to deliver NOW”….Both Brian and Danielle were thrown into a state of shock (as if the thrill of having your first baby isn’t enough shock already) as Danielle’s clothes were cut off her as she was wheeled down the hall into the operating room.

It was about that time that Brian started calling all his family in a panic because he wasn’t told what was going on…but he knew it was serious. Wes flew out of the house and to the hospital. My parents made their way there as well. Just to sit in the waiting room as a support for Brian in case….

Prayers of protection are necessary and powerful and needed for one another.

I truly believe that because of those prayers of protection for them just a few nights prior, God protected them from the zillions of ‘what if’ bad scenarios that could have happened to the baby that morning.

Modern medicine is a marvelous thing. Davin Grantly Guengerich was delivered in 3 min., healthy and crying and 100% normal.  Because Mama had to go under general anesthesia for the whole thing, Brian was given the opportunity to do skin to skin until Danielle was out of surgery and in less pain. The drama and trauma of the situation had subsided and just a few short hours later they were moved into the mother baby room, fully 100% healthy and thriving. Totally exhausted but totally thrilled at the beautiful little guy in their arms.

I praise God for this new little life that was protected on Monday morning. That mama made it ok and is doing great. That they were at the hospital when this happened. IF they would have been at home, well, it might have been a whole different scenario. But God knew. And God protected.

 And I praise God for our gel group of friends who pray. Let us never forget to pray for one another. We NEVER ever know the things that are about to face us in our days or weeks.   

Sleep....

So sleep is finally making its way into the Waldorf household. Finally.

I have been scared to write anything about it as I don’t want to jinx myself but 7 straight days of only (briefly) waking up once at night, and I feel like a normal person again. I truly believe this improvement has come from two basic things: his age (6 months) and his dinner puree I have been making him.

I love my pediatrician. Love.  He treats each kid as an individual and doesn’t just group them into a statistic or ‘this is what the norm is for this age’ diagnosis. He said in our very first appointment that he treats each child as if it were his own child. And all of his kids were very different. And as a wonderful support to me personally, he has had a kid who is exactly like Jackson. Personality, colic, reflux, bad sleep, early everything, extremely active…ect. So he sympathizes and has given me great, non-text book advice on how to manage through the baby years with Jackson.

At his 4 month appointment Dr. O’Donnell handed me a ‘feeding chart’ of what is typical in beginning to start solids. Then he said, “You can go by this chart or you can do a few things that I am going to suggest that are counterintuitive to this chart…your choice”.

At that point I had already started Jackson on cereal. And he was tolerating it. Basically I was told that the cereals are nothing more than empty calories and he would like to see me start giving him proteins as a priority. Egg yolks specifically. Avocado. Pureed meats.

Jackson had dropped from the 30% percentile in weight down to the 5^th and still not doubled his birth weight by a few pounds. His doctor really wanted us to try and put some protein in his diet to see if it would help him gain some weight.

I tried egg yolks and pureed meats (which are YUCK!) at 5 months and Jackson kept spitting it up and spitting it out…so I decided to wait a few weeks before trying again.

I started again when he neared the 6 month corner and finally had success. For the last week and ½ or so I have started giving him JUST half a hardboiled egg yolk (yay for having chickens!), ¼ of an Avacado, and a fruit pureed into a pudding like mixture at his night meal. And for the last week and ½ , just as if it is some magic potion, Jacksons sleep has gotten less restless and he has started going for longer stretches.

And just the last few nights he has rustled to around the 1am mark, eaten a few oz of formula and gone right back down and slept till it is time to wake up in the morning. No more crazy getting up 3 or 4 times and being so restless it is hard to lay him back in the crib without waking up.

All that to say that Jackson is finally starting to eat better, sleep longer, and be and overall happier baby. Praise God for eggs and avocados.

And as we round the 6 month corner, he is finally turning into a good little car baby, a wonderful stroller baby, and a napping anywhere champ!

6 months I have determined is a glorious baby age. I love 6 months. Jackson is a total character. Full of life and energy but getting a little sense of humor that makes being away from him during the days even harder. He is crawling, almost sitting up, and trying to pull himself up on things. He copies our noises and expressions, laughs at the slightest thing, and jumps into the arms of the person he wants.

I never thought I would say this but this age makes me want several more kids. Everyone told me at the beginning it gets easier…it gets better and better. And it so does! I know that with age comes new trials and things to learn for both Jackson and us but we are having so much fun. Time spent on the weekends and at nights for us are so so SO special and priceless.

Anyways, all that to say our fussy colickly days are finally a mere memory in light of our sleep filled nights and laughter filled days. Love my little guy. Love our family.

6 months old...

Duck, duck....BATH!

That face kills me....

Daddy thinks my ears are HUGE

We do this a lot....Very limber this one...

So that is how you grow a beard?

Winter nights...

So last night, as I was giving Jackson his ‘goodnight’ bottle and watching him slowly drift off to sleep in my arms as I rocked him *gasp! Oh yes I do....and I love every minute of our nighttime routine*, I found myself with this urge to not want to take him down to his room and put him in his crib.

Well let me just say that feeling was not just last night, but lately….a lot. I love holding him while he sleeps. And find myself not wanting to put him down.

The winter for me brings many memories of my journey through infertility. Three miscarriages in a row, D&C’s, rounds of clomid, a lot of inconclusive testing….While the three miscarriages took place over the course of a year and 1/2, the hardest miscarriage, my second, happened in the wintertime. And now, when the harsh cold winter nights drudge on, memories of such a dark time of my life seem to flood back more vividly than at other times in the year and I can still remember the darkness and pain I felt in that whole God-forbidden experience.

My OB kept encouraging me through our struggle by saying, “The only cure for the pain of a miscarriage is a baby in your arms”…And I agree with that statement, to a point. .. While a lot of the struggle and memories of tears have faded in light of Jacksons birth, I have not forgotten those years it took to get here. I still remember the sleepless nights wondering if I will ever be able to fully carry a pregnancy to term. Wondering what it felt like to have a baby in my arms that was mine. Waking up in the hospital after my D&C’s feeling so empty and just wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere and cry….for days.  Remembering the sadness I felt as I would start my cycle each month afterwards, not pregnant….again. And Now, thanks to a complete miracle from God, I have been given sleepless nights because I indeed did carry a pregnancy to term….and was blessed with a little bundle of sleepless joy. So I feel a bit torn as to wanting to ‘wish’ or “train” this time away just so I can start getting more sleep. Truth is, I really haven’t slept well for almost three years now.  

I say all of this to say that Jackson’s lack of self-soothing ability may very well be my “fault”. His night waking still may be because I can’t stand to let him fuss or cry in the middle of the night all alone in his crib. In fact, he whimpers and I run. And I am not ashamed to say it. But the older he gets (now almost 6 months already) deep down in I am realizing how fleeting and fast moving these moments are. How desperately I wanted this. How good it feels to be able to comfort him even when I am so exhausted. My arms were empty for so many years and now they are filled with my little restless, squirmy, still gassy baby, and the fact that he needs me in the middle of the night, well, I know that too is going to be over soon. And I’m getting a bit sentimental over it. Because I don’t know what my future looks like in terms of child bearing from here on out. 

I may still struggle. I may still have more miscarriages. I may not be able to get pregnant again. This may be the only time I get to do this for a while….or ever.  TO comfort and rock my baby in the middle of the night. And so I admit, I recently realized why the advice others having been encouraging me with to sleep train my baby, or let him CIO comes as such harsh advice to me. They don’t know the road I have walked to get here. And I pray they never have to know that road. But that is why my extreme take on parenting style ‘grace’ comes as such a soap box for me. We each have different journeys, and roads, and methods....and reasons.

All these feelings and emotions also come as his sleep is getting better….he has been going for much longer stretches here lately. And as crazy as it sounds, I am almost sad about it.  Last night he went about 6.5 hours. First time in a long time.  And as crazy as it sounds, I found my arms aching for him in the middle of his sound sleep.

I know to some this may sound all so absolutely absurd. So silly. I know it doesn’t ‘damage’ a baby to let him CIO. But I also know it does not damage a baby to respond either. And so for me, I choose to respond. Am I tired? Yep. Do I wish some nights he would just sleep already? Yeah. But do I love nights like last night where I sat and rocked him back to sleep at 1am and at 4am and prayed over my sweet sleeping little boy? Totally.

This is a phase. Time and growth are teaching me that. Jackson’s ability to sleep longer and longer is nothing of my doing, just simply him getting older. One thing Jackson’s fussy colicky infant days taught me as I look back is that it does indeed end. Time moves on. And things get better on their own. And I need to stop worrying about it all so much.  I actually look back at infant pictures of him now and suddenly miss how small he used to be. It’s all so crazy sounding because I realize now how miserable I was most days of his infancy and how much of that time I spent wishing him older. Little did I know how fast it all does move.  That is time I won’t get back.

I love being a mom. I love being Jackson’s mom. I love watching Jackson and Wes together. I love our little family. We are tired. We are worn out. But we are happy. And he is healthy and growing. And if I could just slow time a bit down now I would. But I can’t. So we take it one day at a time. One night at a time. This too will soon become a fleeting memory.  

In the mean time I crank up my newly purchased Keurig and brew myself another cup of life giving caffeine…and raise my hands to heaven….and simply say “Thank you”.

Update

Not sure if you heard or not, but the Waldorf house just survived almost a month of sick infant hell. After Christmas, Jackson ended up with a very nasty cold…that turned into RSV Bronchitis with a sinus infection on top. MISERABLE baby. He is still a bit snotty as we are FINLLY down to just a runny nose ….but this runny nose is most likely the result of teething. And THAT, I can deal with.  In fact, teething is a piece of cake compared to the RSV junk.

The hardest part of the whole ordeal for me was having to get up and work 40 hours a week after spending night after night up every few hours to try and console my poor, sick, uncomfortable, steroidal antibiotic ridden baby…Sometimes sleeping on me. Sometimes in his crib with me on the floor just because I was tired of going up and down the stairs so much in the middle of the night. Top that off with a husband who also became very sick. (I KNOW Wes is sick when he willingly drives himself to urgent care AND stays home from work two consecutive days in a row)  Followed by a  very sick Grandma (who he stays with during the day) who almost got pnemonia….well, this past month, between trying to care for everyone else and the juggling around of my work schedule ….I almost committed myself. And almost quit my job…just out of sheer exhaustion.

But I didn’t. And I hung in there. And we made it through thanks to prayers and the sweet grace of God.

I am amazed still that I didn’t get it as bad as Wes and Mom and Jackson did. After all, I was the one who was up all hours being coughed on, sneezed on, puked on…ect. Averaging maybe between 4-5 hours a night of sleep when all the waking and crying was said and done…I have NEVER in my life been more tired. I don’t even know how I did it. I kept thinking, “Ok, I’m next…brace yourself, it’s just a matter of time”.   At the advice of my Mom's doctor, I ate yogurt like a crazy woman, pounded the probiotics, drank Emergency’s like they were going out of style, and sucked down lots of chicken soup....and also in sheer desperation, I prayed. A lot. Actually, I might have cried several times in the middle of the night getting very angry and honest with God. Sometimes that is all he wants. Our honesty. And I truly believe that he heard my cry. Even though at times, it didn’t feel like it.

But He did. And He protected me.  Because while I did get a touch of the cold, it never cost me work time . Just a touch. Nothing more. THAT is a miracle.

And now, thanks to such a bout of sickness, I have now become super paranoid and VERY VERY aware of the cold and flu germs going around out there….Yes, yes, I have now turned into the crazy mom who carries a can of Lysol in her diaper bag, wipes down the WHOLE cart while out shopping, washes her hands like and OCD person, and well, if you ask to hold my baby and have even the slightest tickle in your throat, my answer will be  a giant, resounding, NO!...Actually, it might be no for the rest of cold and flu season…. just because. Sorry, Jackson is just off limits for now.

Please understand me….I am not trying to be rude or hateful; It’s just, I want a little peace and rest from sickness for a bit. The nebulizer is finally resting quietly on the shelf. The antibiotics finished. And we are getting back to some sense of normality. One foul germ, or cough, or sneeze in Jacksons general direction could flare it all back up again….and I just am not ready for that.

I knew babies had no immune system. But knowing and experiencing are two very different things. They are susceptible to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going around.  Even the mildest of colds. And his little immune system is still a bit compromised. And we are finally back to just waking one or two times a night….and going for longer and longer stretches…and the bags under my eyes are slowly going away. And routine is nice….And I am almost detoxed off my intense and very necessary coffee routine.  And my house no longer smells like a giant cough drop thanks to special added stuff to the humidifier we now have running in every room.

I can almost see 100% health in the very near future. Almost.

But until we are there, we have become a bit hobbit like at night and on the weekends. Venturing out to go to Target or the grocery store, but making it quick trips only. It’s just for the best right now.

So there you have it. Nothing more to report at this time. Hopefully it will stay that way. Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. It could have been worse. And I am oh so grateful it wasn’t. Please please be careful this season. It is bad. Be mindful of others. Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Take your vitamins. And pray.  

Musings on parenting

Release all control….the ‘theme’ of my childbearing/parenting experience thus far.

I realize I have posted and spoken a lot about the different parenting ideas and ways that are so prevalent today and how so many want to offer advice on what worked for them as the ONLY sure fire way to raise a kid. And I will admit, I have allowed the books and the advice of others to dictate my worth as a mom. That is problem #1. God’s word is the ONLY thing I should be seeking to discover my worth.

Let me say, to negate all offense taken in my first paragraph that I love that things work for people. I honestly love the advice I have been given. I love hearing suggestions and help on things that have helped them succeed in their parenting.  I recognize and know I have never been a parent and need help from those that have.  However, I have been too easily swayed by taking ‘said advice’ to heart, and when it doesn’t work for me or my child, I equate that as failure.  Not the fault of the advice giver. But mine.

I should have learned after experiencing three miscarriages that this journey of child rearing is not something we can control. It is FAR FAR from it. I could not control with medicine my pregnancies or losses.  I wrote many times about releasing my clenched fists towards Heaven and learning to be thankful. And I am realizing the same lessons I learned during that time also applies to motherhood.

It dawned on me today, as I ran across a woman’s blog on how the Babywise method worked for child number #1 but failed for child #2, that I have been secretly harboring guilt, shame, and a lack of confidence in my mommy skills because Jackson is not a “Babywise” baby. He is not “The Happiest Baby on the Block” baby. He is not an “Attachment Parenting” baby. He is not a “Baby Whisperer” baby.

I have done it all. The schedule, the routine, the swaddle, unswaddle, cosleep, pick up put down, CIO attempts…ect. And nothing works for him…nothing. He has a routine; sort of. He has a schedule; some days. And thus my feelings of, “What in the heck am I doing wrong?" have been constantly badgering me.

Well, my answer came to me this evening on my drive home when God whispered, “Control”. That is what you are doing wrong.

I am trying to control the gift God gave me. Trying to figure him down to a science of routine and method rather than rejoicing in him as the individual blessing from God he is to me. He is exhausting. He is active. He likes what he likes. He has a little temper that I am seeing more and more come out as he grows and discovers. Does he have his mama wrapped around his finger already? Yes….and no.

I understand him. I know what he needs as a mom. I am beginning to see the areas we need to really ‘parent’ him in and the areas we need to ‘release control of’ and let him blossom on his own in.

And with all this said. I am learning to give myself grace. To give Jackson time. To take this parenting thing one day at a time. To not try and run too far ahead of myself or look back and think, “Where did I go wrong?” …To try and not get frustrated because Jackson isn’t sleeping through the night yet when it feels like everyone else’s kid is. To be thankful when he gives me 4 hour stretches of sleep and to be compassionate towards him when he wakes up at night because he is sick or teething and can’t settle himself down. To offer him nurture when he needs it even if it is constantly. To take the advice of others as just advice. Try it. But if it doesn’t work, don’t equate that to my personal failure as a mother.

So often we look to the advice of others rather than what God is telling us. I know I can raise my hand to that one lately. Again my own fault.

I have so many friends and relatives getting ready to experience the joy of having a baby soon. Like in the next few weeks and months soon.  I realize how judgmental I have been before my own experience of having a kid. And the only advice I will offer to others when it comes to ‘parenting’ their precious bundle of joy is this: learn who your kid is. Read the books, ask for help, but know that you were given this specific child AND were given the brains to know how to raise and handle your baby. Whatever method or way you choose to parent is fine. Use what works for you.

And offer Grace and encouragement and support to others around you. Being a mommy is the hardest, most exhausting, greatest gift ever given to me.  Remember your child is a gift. And take each day as it comes. Breathe. Sleep when you can. Take moments for yourself. Remember to eat and drink. Shower. Pray continuously.  And ask God first before asking others. HE gave you this child on loan. He gave Jackson to me for a reason. He has equipped me.  Have confidence in that.

And let us throw our arms around each other and walk through this life together. Offering grace and prayers first before advice.

*And to all my friends out there reading this getting ready to have a baby: if you catch me offering my own advice before a prayer, you have permission to slap me…in the face….hard. And remind me. J