Thankful

So, Thanksgiving was great….and hard…and fun…and interesting.

 

 First trip to Bass Pro...his new FAVORITE place!

 

Great and fun in the sense that we were able to make it to GA to be with Wes’s family….long time overdue for his side of the family. Lots of little ones…lots of food…lots of noise…lots of presents. Yes, Thanksgiving was more of a marathon day of Food in the morning, tree decorating in the afternoon, Christmas in the evening, and campfire/smores come nightfall. It was crazy and fun. Loud and overwhelming at times. Exhausting, but totally worth it!

 

 BEFORE

AFTER!

Hard and interesting in the sense that Jackson was starting a 4 month growth spurt (which I will embark on in the next min) making him all out of whack sleeping/fussy/eating wise to begin with. Pair that with his first sinus cold and well….Wes and I had loads of fun; especially at night.  Trying to keep a baby who is struggling to sleep with a stuffy nose from crying in the middle of the night and waking up the other people and kiddos in the house is hard to do. Lots of steam baths in the wee early morning hours. I don’t think I had two consecutive hours of sleep in about two weeks ….feel a bit like the walking dead at the moment.  And because he wasn’t sleeping well, he was not very ‘nice’ during the day and extremely mommy needy most of the time. Let’s just say I learned a thing or two about an overstimulated, sleep deprived, not feeling good infant this last week!

Needless to say Wes and I made the decision to head back home earlier than expected because Jackson seemed to be getting worse and we just needed to be home. He needed his rest. And we needed to catch our breath before going back to work. Or try to.

It was a good decision. Sunday Jackson napped like a champ and was much more relaxed in his own setting, but the stuffy nosed fussy baby wasn’t getting better health wise…SO, First thing Monday I called to take him in to the doctor. First time mama here with not much experience in the infant sickness dept. I figured almost a week of symptoms though, warranted a visit to the pediatrician to rule out ear infection.

Coming home from the doc...

The good news? Clear chest and clear ears. The bad news? Clear chest and clear ears. Meaning: it just has to run its course. We have been doing everything right and we just need to wait it out.

Ugh. Ok.

We were doing so good in the sleep dept before all of this. Waking once a night. Eating, going right back to sleep. I was getting ‘caught up’ on my rest. And then, just like that, sleep was all over the place again.

Curious if there was anything I was ‘doing wrong’ or could be doing better, I googled ‘4 month baby…’ and these words magically appeared on their own…’sleep regression’. Oh, hmmm. So it isn’t just me?

Zillions of websites, message boards, pages….on the glorious 4 month ‘change’. *lightbulb*. Everything I was reading was like someone had crawled into our life the last few weeks and documented Jacksons sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) action for action.

Turns out he is growing. And changing. And his little brain is developing new skills at such a fast rate that his mind just won’t shut off; and night time sleep gets horribly disrupted during this stage…Gosh, I know how that feels sometimes. Not the brain development stuff but my thoughts not turning off causing me restless nights. So in a sense, I can sympathize. And all that newness, coupled with new people and new surroundings, and a cold…well, I realized that it may be a few weeks before we are ‘normalized’ again.

*Gosh this baby stuff is hard sometimes!*

Honestly, I was beginning to feel like I was failing as a mom as much as I have seen him regress in the sleep dept. the last few weeks. As if there was something I was doing wrong.  You see, as a mom, especially a NEW mom, I get a lot of advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t be doing with Jackson. “Don’t hold him too much or you’ll spoil him”, “don’t rock him to sleep”, “feed him solids”, “Don’t feed him solids”, “just let him cry”…etc. But these last few weeks have reminded me that amidst all the well-meaning advice on what others did for their kiddos and what worked, God has placed in me the skills needed to take care of Jackson the best. He has entrusted him to Wes and I and knows that we have what it takes (with His help of course!) to make decisions for Jackson’s well-being. Sleep included. I just need to trust my God given mothering instincts sometimes and listen to Him more and others less.

My mother’s gut for him remains. I have my own theories and opinion’s about certain styles and ways to take care of a baby. What works for some may not work for others. Each child is different. I respect everyone who is a successful parent no matter what “method” or “style of parenting” they have used. I have seen amazing parents who schedule their babies from day one and I have seen amazing parents who have no schedule for their kids at all. And I have seen good and bad results come from both. God has blessed us all with brains to know what to do. And he also equips us with individual parenting skills for our children. I’m learning to trust mine. It’s hard to not play the ‘guilt’ game sometimes and feel like I am doing something wrong and will forever damage my child because of it because I don't adopt one "method" soley. Grace needs to be given for each and every parent regardless. It is hard. And we need to spend more time encouraging each other through it.

I love that little guy more than I ever thought possible. I actually even loved his clinginess to me this past week. He wanted me. And I could soothe him. And to get baby snuggles is a precious thing. Especially in the middle of the night. And yes, especially snuggled in-between Wes and I in bed when he wasn’t feeling good. *GASP! * (Oh yes, he was in our bed…Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do)

I know there will come a time when I will look back and desperately want to be rocking my baby to sleep in the middle of the night again…just for the closeness of it. So I am trying to remember in the midst of my sleep deprivation to stop and enjoy this time. Relax. Take in. Breathe in the moments.

Last night we rounded a corner and I think a few things were contributing factors:

1). When he woke up the first time, I made him finish a full bottle. Jackson has only gained 1 pound since his last doctor’s visit at 2 months. I was shocked when they weighed him. I thought he weighed more. But nope. The doctor said that his night waking is probably still legitimately from hunger. Apparently he must have a super-fast burning metabolism. As much as he moves, I don’t doubt he burns off his feedings quickly. The doctor said to keep on feeding Him. So I did. And he went 4 hours after that. He is a generally sleepy baby at night so when he wakes up and I try to feed him, he falls asleep after an oz or two, and I had been letting him…I was reminded by the doctor that I have got to make him finish the feeding no matter how tired I am! It will make a difference. And it did!

2.) Routine is back. His own room is back. His crib. He is settled again. When we got home Sunday night, he just kept turning his head back and forth back and forth looking around. It was as if he was going, “Ahhh” “Thank you mommy”…

3.) Back to the Chiropractor we went on Tuesday. Literally overnight, after one adjustment, I noticed Jackson settling. I can feel it in his posture. And his cold immediately started to clear up. (My mom noticed it too. She keeps him all day so she would know) He goes again today. I am a TOTAL fan of chiropractic for babies. Seriously. A soap box I will always jump on. I have seen such vast improvements immediately upon receiving treatments with him. We will go once a week through the end of the year and then hopefully only need once a month. I’ll go without all kinds of things to be able to allow Jackson to get to the chiropractor. Love that it is a drug free, natural way to bring him physical comfort!

4.) Last and MOST importantly, Prayer.

As I was laying him back in his crib last night after the first waking/feed, I looked at the verse printed over his wall and teared up.

 

I prayed for him. For this. There were moments before where the middle of the night wakings were coming for me because of the pain of miscarriage and my desires for a baby. Now, they are legitimately coming because of the baby…the gift the Lord has given me. *Remember and be thankful*

I was challenged in my heart to pray over my little guy each and every time he wakes at night. So as I laid him down I began to pray. I asked God for rest for him. For no gas bubbles. For a clear nose. And for at least a 4 hour stretch for mama.

Know what? Ask and ye shall receive. The Lord granted each and every request. Not a fluke at all. Sometimes I believe God just wants us to ask and trust HIM.

So we press on. One day/night at a time. Loving this journey. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and the most rewarding. Can’t imagine life without him in it. Looking forward to all the new journeys ahead with him.

Next on the agenda? "My First Christmas!"

" You might be a working mom if...."

My top 10 thus far....

(1)    You set your coffee pot to brew every night at a certain time in the morning but wake up every morning before the set time to push start yourself.

(2)    Monday night, you lay your ‘work attire’ out for the next day nice and neat in the bathroom….Tuesday night, you lay on the couch and decide the outfit you will wear for the next day….Wed night, you fall asleep on the couch by 8:30 and forget about it….Thursday morning you wake up and hopelessly look through your closet to find something to wear and inevitably change about three times  in between changing a diaper, getting the baby dressed, and feeding the baby….and still show up to work unhappy with what you are wearing….Friday morning, you rummage through the dirty clothes to put on the same pair of pants you wore on Monday with the same shirt from Wed…no one will notice, right?

(3)    You show up to work with two different shoes on

(4)    Breakfast includes (and most likely limited to) a multivitamin and a cup of coffee and Dinner always involves being cooked in the microwave and eaten late late late

(5)    Your version of ironing is putting the dryer on HIGH heat for a few min

(6)    You come up with many creative ways to make dirty hair look ‘nice’

(7)    You don’t bother to take off your make-up from the day and pray that it stays on through the night so you don’t have to put on more in the morning

(8)    You hopelessly wait for the clock to strike 5 to be able to go pick up your kid…

(9)    Napping under your desk at lunchtime happens

(10) You love the weekends more than you ever did before.

The Birth of Jackson...

Ok here we go…Jackson’s birth story.  This could get long so grab a cup of coffee and settle in.

We were supposed to be at the hospital by 9am Wed morning August 1^st. I slept pretty good the night before considering what was ahead of us. Waking up that morning and leaving the house with the carseat and diaper bag in hand was very VERY surreal.

But I was ready. So ready. Little man was lodged SO far up near my ribcage that breathing was a very hard thing to do. I was constantly uncomfortable. My back hurt, my legs hurt, I couldn’t sleep well….even eating was difficult. I was SO ready to get that child out of me.

We dropped off Roxy at my brother and sister-in-laws house and made our way to the hospital. We were both a bit anxious. Me especially. I knew I was about to have a major abdominal surgery, that I would be awake for and in the process gain a small human creature that I was to feed (from my body) and take care of the rest of my life….not scary at all. (pfsht! Yeah right)

I have to say the NICE thing about a scheduled C-section was taking our time that morning getting to the hospital, leisurely checking in and being ushered back to a small curtained pre-op waiting area without any drama of my water breaking or contractions. The BAD thing about a scheduled C-section is the BIG possibility of your surgery being bumped by someone who WAS having a dramatic moment getting their baby out….so I was praying the whole time that that wouldn’t be the case for us. I didn’t want to have to sit anxiously for hours waiting my turn to get cut open. Just wanted to get in there and get on with it.

I changed into my gown, rolled into the bed and we waiting for the first (of many) nurse to come back and ‘prepare’ me. Blood Pressure check, blood work, weight, heart rate, fetal monitor, a zillion questions….Then the dreaded IV moment came. I think I was more nervous about the stupid IV than I was the surgery. I have NOT had good experiences with IV’s going in thanks to some really really hard to get veins.

Anyways, she claimed she found a ‘good one’ and could do it with one stick. I was doubtful . BUT, well, to my surprise and delight, she did. The only ‘painful’ part was the numbing shot. Felt like a really LARGE self-inflicted bee sting that burned for a few seconds. Or at least that is what she told me it would feel like. She lied. Because I personally think it felt much worse…. Once that was in, we were left to wait some more. That nurse’s job was done. Next would come the anesthesiologists, the L&D nurse and the doctor shortly thereafter.

As we waited and waited, we thought that this would be the appropriate time to finally pick out little man’s name. Officially. We had pretty much decided upon Jackson being the first name. It was the middle name we couldn’t decide on. We narrowed it down to two and then Wes said, “I have an idea”. “If he weighs more than 7 lbs 5 oz it will be ____ and if he weighs less, it will be ______” .  For lack of being able to make a decision at that point we decided to leave it up to our little game. And it was Done. And kind of a fun way to go into it.

The curtain came open once again and we were quickly greeted by three anesthesiologists: one doctor, one nurse and one nursing student. I was told the student would be administering the spinal.  

(*great, I thought…nothing like a needle with meds going into your spinal put in by a student…*)

They proceeded to inform me, ever so gently, of all the ‘what ifs’ that could happen, but rarely do. My BP began to rise a bit at this point and I was really feeling the nerves. Then, they left. And we waited some more.

About 30 min later, we were met by the ‘baby nurse’ who would take care of Jackson once he was out. Again, super sweet and ever so gentle with me as she could tell I was REALLy REALLY getting nervous at this point. Walked us through what they would do with him, and with me…asked a few questions, gifted us with a receiving blanket. Then she left. And we waited again.

The next nurse that came in was MY surgical nurse. Just to check on me, walk me through what was about to happen and tell me she would hold my hand the whole time. She also told us she would be our personal photographer so Dad could just sit back and enjoy the show.  She was awesome. Put me at ease instantly. She threw a ‘surgical’ outfit Wes’s way and told him he needed to put it on when they would take me back.

It was REAL to me all morning. But at that point, when I saw Wes’s gown, it started to get REALLY REALLY real and my nerves were growing from anxiousness to flat out scared at this point. Even Wes was growing ‘antsy’.

Everyone was ready. The Operating room was ready. We were watching the clock. So far so good on staying on time. However, it was then that I  heard the nurse out at the station say, “The doctor is on the L&D floor checking another patient who is 9 cm dialed with her third baby….we may be a bit delayed”….My heart started beating and I got disappointed as I was just ready to get on with it already.

But just as I started to freak out, the curtain flew open and there was my doctor with an ultrasound machine. I was never so happy and scared to see someone in my life. He checked to make sure little guy was still breech  which only took about two seconds…and then said, “I need to run back to my patient who is ready to push and catch a baby; be right back”.

“Seriously?”….

My heart dropped a little and I thought for sure I would be bumped at that point and have to wait a few more hours before going back. But literally within 15 min, before I could really get overly anxious, my nurse was pulling the curtain in ready to walk me down to the operating room.  And just like that, before I could say ‘baby’, I was out of the bed and off we went. I looked back at Wes who was starting to put his “operating room clothes” on and smiled. Here we go. We were told once they got the spinal in and me prepared they would come get him. So thus began our separation. Made me a little nervous I will admit. I wanted him to be the one holding my hand through the needle going in my back. But now was a time I had to suck it up, and be a big girl.

Walking into the operating room and seeing all the beeping machines and staff and table was so surreal.  I could feel my heart beat pump through my chest at that point and I started getting shaky. A combination of nerves and cold…operating rooms temps are kept like a meat locker and well, the hospital gown does nothing for keeping body heat in.

They had me sit on the table and began the process of hooking me up to a zillion machines. The anesthesiologists came in and began to prepare my back. My heart rate was rising rapidly and my nurse kept telling me to just relax and take some deep breathes. She asked me if some music would help calm me down.  I told her yes. Anything would help at this point.

She put it on a Pandora station of Jack Johnson music which was perfect. Because just as soon as the music came on, the moment came for the needle to be placed in my back. And I was stinkin scared. I won’t lie. But the music did indeed take my mind off things for just a moment because the song that came on right at that time was Bob Marley’s “Everything is gonna be alright”….Needless to say, I laughed a little. Felt like I was in a sick sick musical. But it was ironically funny.

I could feel them wiping my back and preparing the area. I held my breath waiting for the stick.  I kept thinking, “Ok, come on now…hurry up and do it already…I’m ready”…. “come on….I’m ready already…stick me”…And as fast as I had those thoughts,  before I knew it, they were all hastily laying me down flat on my back on the table. It was in. And done. And I was ready. I kid you not, it was less painful and quicker than the IV going in. I really don’t even remember as much as a stick. That nursing student was good. REALLY good!

Where was the easy button?

At that time, the rest of the 15 or so people proceeded to enter the operating room including my doctor. They were laughing and high fiving each other commenting on how the team that was gathered in there that day was the ‘dream team’… “Um hello” I thought. “Just laying here on an operating table waiting to have a kid ripped out of my abdomen. Could we focus please?”

(I mean, I WAS grateful to hear that we had some seasoned people in there but still…numbing medicine was in…times a wastin…chop chop!)

The curtain went up in front of me so I couldn’t see what they were about to do to me (thank goodness)…as it did I began to feel oh so nauseous….I felt it start in my toes and climb all the way up to my throat. I quickly told the anesthesiologist I felt like I was going to throw up…and just as I did, he shot something into my IV and quicker than I could say boo, and the feeling was gone…And I was numb…and feeling good….really relaxed and really good….oh man, really good. And warm all over.

Could I have some more of that happy juice please? Reckon it was moonshine?

They kept testing my level of numbness and as soon as I couldn’t feel them as much as touch me I heard the doctor say, “Ok, the first incision has been made”…to which I thought, “Um,really? Cause I didn’t feel a thing!”…”Wait, what about my husband? You gonna get him?” ….It was just as I was about to ask about Wes that he and my nurse came walking through the door. They paraded him right past my open belly and up to sit at my head. He said he tried not to look but he did admit that it was next to impossible he saw my insides. So now he can TRULY say he knows me…inside and out. (*Ha!)

He held my hand and I started to hold my breath. I could hear the suctioning and feel the pulling…but no pain. Weirdest experience of my life.  Within about 5 min I heard the doctor say, “Ok, here we go…he’ll be out in just a few seconds”… “Holy cow! For real? We just started.

Next came a huge feeling of pressure release and bam….out he came. Just like that all of a sudden a bloody screaming infant was held above the curtain and I couldn’t believe I was staring at my son for the first time ever. Tears welled up in our eyes and a huge grin came over my face. The first few things uttered out of my mouth were, “Oh my gosh, he’s cute”, and “Yes, he has hair”….(yeah, not vein or anything)  

Let me say to that comment that we had a running joke with the doctor about ‘ugly infants’ and I had prepared myself….infants aren’t all the time the picture of beauty right away. It takes them a bit of time to adjust and I was just being realistic and honest.

But not Jackson. Perfect color and perfect features. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.

They took Wes at that moment over to where Jackson was. (which was behind me and once again he had to walk past my open body on the operating table) He was the first to hold his hand. He was the first to say hi. It was such a sweet moment to watch. He even got to trim the cord.

 I could watch everything they were doing to Jackson as they cleaned him up on a TV screen to the left of my head. It was awesome. I didn’t even think about the fact I was laying on an operating table a bit like Humpty Dumpty being ‘put back together’ again. I was enamored with my little boy and his first moments. I was crying watching Jackson grab onto Wes’s hand for the first time.

I could hear them call out his weight: “7 lbs 8 oz!”….and then Wes got to tell them his official name. I heard the nurse say, “Welcome to the world Jackson Isaiah…welcome to the world”.

Oh, and remember the music? Well, as soon as Jackson came out, the song “Somewhere over the rainbow” started playing. Yes my operating room/birth experience was indeed a musical. One with a very happy ending.

After they finished weighing him and doing all the testing, they bundled Jackson up like a little burrito and handed him to Wes. Wes then brought him to my head and I was able to kiss his sweet face for the first time. Love like I never knew pulsed through my body. Jackson had been screaming the entire time until he was brought over to me. Just as I kissed him, his crying subsided….and I was an instant mom. What a feeling.

I could hear the ‘kachink, kackink’ of the staples going in my belly and I knew we were almost done. And sure enough, within  about 5 min the curtain came down and I was lifted onto a hospital bed. I was allowed, finally, to hold my son for the first time. Jackson was unswaddled and placed inside my gown.  His warm little wiggly body calmed right down the minute our skin touched. My BP went down as well as my heart rate. We were ‘one’ again.

I was congratulated by all the staff as I was wheeled out of the operating room and down the hall to recovery. Baby on my chest. Husband by my side. We were a family.

Our first few moments together were so sweet. We studied every little part of Jackson’s body from his ears down to his toes. He was perfect. We were in love.

I won’t go into as much detail about the rest of our time at the hospital as my recovery was hard. From throwing up that night due to the anesthesia, to severe gas pain from being opened up, to a painful incision, bad reaction to a shot, fever, chills…ect. I went through the gamete.

But even with all of that, I look back now at that time as some of the sweetest moments of our life. I would do it all again, times ten, to get the sweet little guy I have now. I can’t imagine life without him.

Jackson Isaiah Waldorf. Jackson meaning “gracious gift from God” and Isaiah meaning “salvation”….this little guy has a calling in life and Wes and I have been gifted the opportunity to raise him to discover all that God has in store for him. Big job. One that I don’t take lightly. I love our new little family and all that is before us.

 

"Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work I go..."

Let me start this blog off by stating that ALL moms are ‘working mom’s’….AND please don’t take offense to what I am about to write if you are a stay at home mom….because I am not ‘bashing’ anyone or saying one is harder over the other….being a new mom myself, I never fully understood or could relate with other mothers when I was childless, at the dedication, sacrifice, and 24 hour demand being a mom placed on your heart and soul, body, and personal grooming…until now. It is hard to be a mom….period. And ‘just’ being a mom is a full time job alone…trust me I now know what it is like!

 I do want to commend my other working mom friends and relatives for the things I never knew about you before and how much you handle in your days. You all are my hero’s and I will be looking to all of you in the upcoming years as my working mom mentors. I already know the ‘guilt’ that is placed on your heads from other folks who feel that because of your sacrifice to work you are forever damaging your child or missing out on the greatest thing ever….motherhood. I have felt it through innuendos and comments already.  You, I mean, WE, are not. WE are not missing out on anything. AND our children are and will be just fine.  AND you, I mean we, are still Mothers. Always and forever a mother. It just looks different for us. We shouldn’t judge life choices made by others whether you decide to stay at home and be a mom or go to work and be a mom. Both are equally hard.  And BOTH involve being a GOOD mom to your children. Period.

However, I will say, since starting back to work full time, being a “Working mother” does take on a whole new level of ‘crazy’.  

I started back last Tuesday. Woke up Tuesday morning after Jackson having a really restless night to a blustery, windy, rainy and snowy yucky morning. Had to get myself ready and Jackson fed and ready and in the car to take to moms before getting to work.  Jackson is still not a great car baby and I was not looking forward to that drive. Luckily, Wes offered to drive us since we didn’t know what the weather was going to do the rest of the day and getting home could pose an interesting and icy trip…so feeling needy and exhausted at the thought of trying to maneuver through snow with a crying baby in the backseat, I gladly accepted his offer to drive us. I am glad I did.

Needless to say, I cried the whole way to work. And at work. I called my mom about an hour after getting to work to make sure he was ok and doing good. (And he was…of course he was)

It was mama that was having a rough time.

Last week was hard. This week has progressively gotten better….I always used to look forward to going home at the end of the day but now I REALLY look forward to going home. And weekends? I REALLY REALLY look forward to weekends.

As much as I would love to quit my job and stay home, it just isn’t feasible for us to manage that right now financially. Mostly because of medical insurance. AND, I have a REALLY REALLY good job with great benefits, lots of vacation time thanks to me working so long at one place, AND it is close enough to my ‘daycare’ (aka Mom’s house), that going to see my little man at lunch is a possible daily occurrence. Which I have done…and gotten to feed him and put him down for his afternoon naps .

So I have it good. Really good.  Better than most. And (I almost feel guilty for saying this) I strangely found great comfort walking into my office and sitting at my desk in the quiet and getting some work done that didn’t involve diapers or bottles…

It is weird that I have had this hard of a transition back to work since my walk into motherhood the first several weeks and months of Jacksons life were not very graceful. I wanted nothing more than to be back at work and not be tending to a constantly fussy and irritable newborn for 24 hours a day. But now? Those feelings and emotions literally left overnight. In the last several weeks it has gotten easier. He has gotten more adjusted, less fussy, and way more fun. Days seemed to fly by quicker and quicker as he has gotten older. I have learned how to maneuver with him through stores and checkout lines, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning….ect. A combination of him getting more manageable and me getting my ‘mother shoes’ broken in a bit. Both of us got easier with time.

And just as I adjust to the one way of life with Jackson in my days, I go back to work and have to re-adjust to a new way of life once again. This time, way harder on me than him.

Thanks for all of you who have been praying and texting and emailing and calling. You have been my support system and kept me sane when I thought I was going to lose it. I beg of you, keep it up as I journey into new unchartered waters (at least for me) once again.

Jackson is  3 ½ months old now. Cute as a button. And a perfect gift to Wes and I.  There are so many lessons in our journey with our struggle to become these last few months. Lessons that I am still learning and that the Lord is still speaking to me on. I have a lot of questions for the Lord on WHY he chose to give me a difficult infant. But I know what he gave, he equipped me for. Even if I felt, at times, like I couldn’t walk another day. And with that behind us,  I look forward to our journey ahead of us in this new and crazy ‘working mom/wife’ role.  As much as I have finally stopped trying to ‘figure out’ my confusing infant, I have stopped trying to ‘figure out’ God’s ways. They aren’t our ways.

 I guess I have learned a thing or two these past few months. Just stop trying to live in the future days, and start living the ‘now’ moment.  Accepting the things on our plate at the moment, and forgetting the things behind or ahead of us. Having Jackson has taught me to appreciate the little things in front of me and stop trying to get too far ahead or figure out why I was there.  

So today I am grateful for an amazing husband, an adorable little boy, a great family, and a wonderful job. I am forever blessed.

Everyone told me it goes by fast....

So I am going to start with Week 1 and move on from there....
Can't believe little guy is rounding 3 1/2 months already....
Here is the progression of growth of our little guy starting at week 1.

Week 1
 

Week 2
 

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

Week 12

Week 13

Yesterday....:-)

I love LOVE my little guy and can't believe how big he is getting right before my eyes!!!!
 

Burning the Books....

I KNOW I am new to this ‘motherhood’ thing and for those more experienced moms out there, you will probably have much objection to what I am about to write. That’s fine. You can write me off as a novice mom who doesn’t know what she is doing….because that is about 99% true most of the time.

As you can see with my first blog, motherhood has not been a walk in the park at all for me…..and its true, I don’t know what I am doing.  

Let me start by saying that I have babysat my whole life. The easiest and smallest of infants to the hardest and most difficult kids you could think of. And I have done it well. Piece of cake. So I thought motherhood would be ‘natural’ to me. Because I knew how to babysit.

HOWEVER, my biggest misconception and judgment that I imposed upon my ‘know  it all attitude’ when it came to thinking about the things I would do when I had my OWN kid, quickly faded away the minute I gave birth and my hormones plummeted….couple that with the never ending sleep deprivation and 24 hour buffet from your womanly parts and well, I quickly began to repent of all the preconceived notions I had about child rearing…and my own judgments. I have broken every single rule I said I would NEVER do.

Like letting my baby sleep in our bed….or rock them to sleep….or not put them down. Granted, Jackson has had some ‘issues’ as an infant. Reflux and gas has led to a fussy and colicky infant that was constantly uncomfortable. Therefore I HAD to do what I HAD to do to get a little sanity. There were some days when napping for him was so hard that once I got him to sleep, I would hold him through his entire nap just so he would sleep because if I put him down, he would wake up….and fussing would resume….and he needed a nap, and I just needed a break. And the only way to get a ‘break’(which just meant SILENCE) would be to hold him…or have him sleep next to me or on me.

I spent the first 10 weeks of his life googling….reading and Re-reading books like “Babywise” and “The Happiest Baby on the Block” looking for a magic formula to get my child to accept my schedule and my way of life…and I tried all those things…the schedules, the swaddling, the white noise..e.ct. And nothing would work. And I was consistent…VERY. I would fight Jackson every step of the way and quickly grew frustrated and almost resentful towards my little bundle of joy who wasn’t.  I mean, the books made it sound super easy…and made a lot of sense. So why wasn’t Jackson ‘playing along’? And why couldn’t I make him? I MUST be a bad mom.

And then finally one day, after a lot of tears and finally realizing that my baby wasn’t ‘just colicky’ and being bad, but actually hurting and in pain as well as a very high needs and alert infant, I threw away everything I had read and just took that day and his and my time as it came to me. I decided I wasn’t going to force him to eat. I wasn’t going to demand he play for JUST an hour. I wasn’t going to then try to force him down for a nap. I was going to watch my child, celebrate his individuality, and listen to him. When he got unbearably tired, he would eventually go to sleep. I was done trying and ready to just let it all go. I just was done.

And as I began to do that, I started to learn my child. Day after day, I followed his cues, read him, and just like that, a light bulb went off and something clicked.

I learned that my Jackson needed extra attention. That he wanted me to teach him and talk to him. He needed my undivided attention. And I needed to put down my agenda for a bit and just listen to his needs. That this time with him was indeed fleeting and who cares if I hold my baby to sleep. I learned quickly his tired cues and when I let him get out his energy in his timeframe, he would fall asleep without fight. And nap throughout the day.   I would sit and watch him sleep and study his little features. I know he has a birthmark on his head. One ear is bigger than the other. He still has a soft spot on the top of his head that you can watch his heartbeat through. That he laughs in his sleep. That he has my nose.

And as I relaxed a bit with naps and where he would nap and how he would nap and sleep, HE began to trust me more and more for me to put him down.  Within a week, he was comfortably napping in his own crib or in the car seat or at my moms. I can put him down drowsy but not quite asleep yet and he knows that he is ok. He can fall asleep as I shop in TJ Maxx in the baby bijorn. He can fall asleep in the middle of Buffalo Wild wings on a football Sunday afternoon. Sounds cooky  I know, but through learning him, he has learned to trust me more. Something the books never said to do first. Learn your infant and the rest will follow. At least, that is what is happening for me.

I learned that he was hurting and needed to be held upright after feedings so he wouldn’t get heartburn. I learned that that time was special to talk to my ever changing boy. I learned how to ‘wear’ him in the baby bijorn while we were out because he is a very alert infant who was already curious about the world around him yet needed to be close to his mama as he was discovering.

I learned that his fight of the swaddle was because he indeed hated it and wanted to sleep on his belly. (GASP! Oh yes he does!)

I learned that some days he just might be going through a growth spurt and everything I did the day before would not work….so I bent. And learned to be flexible.

I learned when to let him cry in the car seat and when it was time to pull over and soothe him a bit before moving on.

I have taken principles from Babywise and many other books and websites and used them in practice; however, I am learning that motherhood means more than hyperscheuding or placing a guaranteed method to your child’s day. Does that mean that he doesn’t need naps? Nope. He does. And I now know what that typically looks like for his day…give or take a short snooze here or there. But for me to tell you that he naps from this time to this time each day or eats every day at 7, 10, 1, 3, 6,9, and a dream feed…well, just ain’t happening. He marches to the beat of his own drum. And he is much happier and so am I. And it is working for both parties.

I am learning to celebrate Jackson for Jackson and that he doesn’t really fit one specific mold of a baby. And you know what? That is when he got fun.

Granted we made it through the colic and evenings of inconsolable crying fits, and he still gets fussy and irritable, but I learned to take each day with Jackson as a new day….and celebrate his individuality. He isn’t like everyone else’s content baby who can sit for hours by themselves and soothe themselves to sleep. And I don’t want him to be like everyone else’s kid. Because he is my own unique kid with a special call on his life….and I celebrate that. And finally, motherhood got instantly fun for me.  

I love when his little face lights up when he sees me now. I love that at night, he wants me to hold him and give him that last bottle of the night. I love that I know when he is irritable because he hasn’t had a good diaper. I love that he laughs at me and gives me kisses. I love that I know his ticklish spots.

I could write all the things I have learned these last few weeks and probably bore you to death with all the ‘I loves’…. Just sad it took me so long to figure out.

So from now on, the how to books will remain on the shelves as good suggestions and guidelines. The googled and starred websites on the HOW TO’s of infants are deleted. The swaddle sacs and white noise CD’s put away because they aren’t for Jackson. Maybe my next kid will respond positively to those things, but not him.

Not that I don’t want suggestions or help and believe I have it all figured out. I just have learned to take those things with a grain of salt and find my own way in this journey…and rejoice in Jackson and less in a method.

Like I said, I know about 1% of being a mother so far so you can totally laugh at this blog of mine and say, “Sucker!” ….just wait till 6 months….or just wait till____ (fill in the blank). But for now I have begun really truly enjoying my little guy immensely more than I ever thought possible because I have put away those things. 

And just as he gets fun and I get a little smarter we start on our next journey….and soon to be blog….back to work…..and thus another learning curve begins.

Its just getting good....

So the gloom and doom of my last post isn't the theme of this one....

So around 11ish weeks, Jackson took a turn for the better....Smiley, content, happy and easier to put down for naps, he has become quite a delight. I have started taking him to the chiropractor which has worked miracles before my eyes.....that, coupled with the magic number of "three months growing out of colic phase" and we are enjoying this.....finally. And I am sad.

Why?

Next Tuesday I start back to work....I finally am not on house arrest due to an unpredictable infant; able to actually grocery shop with Jackson by myself, and now I go back to work. This mothers heart hurts a bit.

Don't get me wrong, I need to go back to work right now....for insurance purposes, financial purposes....a decision for our family and that benefits Jackson.....and Jackson will be safe in the care of my mom (who is 5 min down the road from my work), so it isn't like I am having to leave him at daycare somewhere....but still, now he is fun and I am actually starting to love my roll as mother to him.  He responds to me. He smiles and laughs at me. He is soothed by me. And I love that. This is what I have waited and fought for for years. My sweet little guy is so. much. fun.

I am savoring these last few days with him...putting him down for naps....waking up in the morning and playing in bed just because we don't have to get up and go anywhere....Next week, life changes again...
at least for now...

I am praying for a sudden winning lottery ticket or a money tree sprouting up in our backyard...actually a job working from home or something part time with benefits would be fine too...
But for now, I watch my days dwindle away and anticipate this new journey of full time working mom that is about to slap me in the face.

so heres to sleep deprevation and lots of coffee!!!

Living on Caffeine and Zoloft....My Journey into motherhood

Meet Jackson Isaiah Waldorf.

Born August 1st, 2012 at 1:30pm via C-section. 

Weight: 7lbs 7 oz  19 in long

What a journey. 

For those of you that have followed my other blogs for years, you know the journey we have been on to see this little face in our lives. Multiple losses and a very hard pregnancy over the span of two and 1/2 years have given us quite the faith journey to even see this sweet little face. 

In the next few weeks and months, as I get time (cough cough...'time' with a newborn is not something one has much of these days) , I plan on writing out his birth story. So many emotions and things that happened that day that I could literally write a book on that one experience. 

So hold on, it is coming. 

But our journey with Jackson was just beginning the day he came into the world and the reason why I have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth for the last few months since his arrival. 

Let me start by saying OH how I love my little boy. So much. 

But it has been hard. 

Jackson did not come into this world and out of my womb willingly. And he is still fighting. 

Thats right, from the time we brought this sweet little face home, crying was bestowed upon our household. 

Some that have come and visit and spent time with me over the last several months have remarked that they do not think he is a fussy, colicky infant. But they don't spend 24 hours a day with him. Just because a baby is labeled "fussy or colicky", doesn't necessarily mean they cry all the time. He has his great moments. He has good days. 

But he also has very very hard ones too. A lot more than anyone has seen....because I don't bring him around much.  

And for that reason, I don't get out much. He is too unpredictable. 

I have journeyed through some really dark dark moments in the last few months. Moments where I was so mad at God for 'blessing me' with a baby that fusses all the time because of tummy and reflux issues....moments of being in a panic not knowing if I can walk through another day or a long long night trying to console Mr. Grumpy pants. 

Moments of regretting. 

Yep, Honest Heather is back. 

That's right. Moments where I have wanted to take my kid back to the hospital and trade him in for one whose crying mechanism has magically been removed. 

Moments where I wanted to be childless again. (gasp! I said it!) 

Moments where I have sat and cried as he cried wondering if my life is done and I will always have to hear his cry.

Lets just say I have not walked into motherhood with 'grace'.  

For those of you that have journeyed through a fussy baby, you know what I am talking about. You know the lack of sleep, nutrition, and bathing that happens. You know that you lose who you are as you are constantly caring for an infant that demands ALL of your day; all of your time. 

You know those feelings. Those dark places. 

Times where you want to just jump....off the porch or out a window. 

I have joked with my mom about taking him back to my doctor and demanding a refund because I think he cut the umbilical cord in the wrong spot. 

(thank the Lord for my mother....she has got me through some dark sobbing filled days) 

I have had to restrain from wanting to punch people in the face when they ask me if I just LOVE being a mother. 

Cause honestly, I have not. Yet. well, not always. 

Again, I know I sound ungrateful. PLEASE don't mis read me either. I LOVE my little boy. Deeply. Hence the reason why my season of trial has been so dark. I love him so much that this hurts. I wanted him soooo badly that this has been like a stab in the heart. 

It hurts to see him hurt. It hurts to know that he came into this world and has spent about the first 70% of his life crying and fussing. 

And recently, as mad as I have been at the Lord....as many times as I have literally cried out in the night in anger, I recognize that colic.....fussy baby....is a result of sin. Not God's fault. Human depravity at its core. But it is hard to not yell at God in the journey I have taken and asked "why me?"....again? 

Jackson is almost 10 weeks old and just yesterday we had a good day. I mean, less fussy, more content smiley baby. I think we are coming around the bend. 

The doctor and zillions of websites I have read says that this should all start subsiding by 3-4 months and be completely gone by 6 months. So I know hope is around the corner. 

And I love that little face. I do. I love that he is mine. Most days. He is starting to crack me up with all his silly grins and coos. He is starting to know who I am and let me console him. He is starting to wake up to a world of feeling better. And so am I. We are getting through it together. And that is a bond that he and I will always have. 

So there you have it. Once I regain a bit more brain power that has gone from my unwashed head, I will write more. But right now, I am just too sleep deprived to focus that long and make sense. 

There is a story here. There is a testimony here. But I don't see it yet. I don't feel it yet. I am still too upset yet to 'get it'....to see the bigger God picture in all of this. But I know it is coming. So hang on with me if you want. 

Hang on. 

Hope is on the horizon. 

Right?