Balance

What is that exactly?

I have been struggling to find it these days if I am being honest.

Between working 40 hours a week, being a wife, a mom to a crazy tot, pregnant with baby #2, small group hosts in our church, a sister in law, daughter and friend…balance is just simply hard.

A few months ago I felt like I was going to crack. Like seriously, get me some Valium and a padded room I can’t keep doing this anymore feeling. A lot of pressure at work with some harder groups, Jackson popping teeth out like a winning slot machine making his sleep oh so terrible, managing my own nausea and fatigue, and trying to keep up with the everyday demands of just laundry and groceries, I felt as if I was going to lose it. Even the littlest question from family members or friends felt as if they were asking me to donate my bone marrow for them. It is safe to say I just felt overwhelmed.

On top of that it seemed as if we were constantly being plagued with emails from our church needing people to help volunteer for set up on Sunday’s or to attend this bible study or moms group or class….I was just feeling overwhelmed by all the places people wanted me that I just had to say no.

*WHOA!*

One thing the Lord has been showing me lately is that even though I am a ‘working mom’, I have a responsibility to my household first. If I cannot be present there, than it isn’t worth it. Even for the insurance (which is the main reason I work).  We were so overwhelmed with ‘responsibilities’ that we were simply just making it day by day. Living robotically. Not even really talking. Just managing life. Our lives needed margin. We needed to ‘slim’ back a few places and start being ok with saying NO to things. Even good things.

I was becoming very cynical and resentful of church, people, places, God, Wes, anything I could ‘blame’ on my busyness other than myself. I was grumpy and short with Jackson. Frustrated with him because i couldn't get anything 'done'. Truth is, it was my own fault for the pressures I was placing on myself.

We are in a season right now. A season where we have to choose wisely what is most important at the moment. I’m not saying that serving at your church or having coffee with a friend isn’t important. But I have come to a place where I need to admit my limitations. And yes I do still need other people. But it just looks a bit different right now. And that is ok. It is a temporary place. A season.

I am pregnant. Quite sleep deprived. A mom to a very active boy. A wife to a husband that needs me. An employee to a place that I have responsibilities to. I can only do so much. And that means I can’t do it all and say yes to everything.

It’s amazing what happens when you just start to say no. The last few weekends have been glorious. We have spent them doing much needed stuff around the house like cleaning (with actual cleaning products!), going for walks/wagon rides with Jackson around the lake, swimming at the gym, eating dinner out as a family, napping, shopping ….just being us. I have to say that even though Jackson is still furiously popping teeth through his gums and his sleep isn't perfect, it has gotten better. He is happier because we are doing things WITH him. His little attitude has even improved. *Coincidence? I think not.*

It’s funny though; I am finding that when you start to say no to things, especially church obligations, you get funny reactions. Some actually find it offensive. Others pretend like they didn’t hear you and keep asking. And yet others will simply badger you with questions about why you said no. Or say such things as, “Maybe you should quit your job if you feel so overwhelmed?”…um, since when did diligently providing for my family becomes more of a priority over setting up chairs on a Sunday morning? I serve God through my family…through providing for my family. That is as "God honoring" as being the head of every committee at church in your free time. If not more. *Gasp! I said it!* 

My attitude to ‘not be cynical’ has influenced my decision to be ok with my answer of no, even if the person on the other end cannot fathom it. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to try and convince the other side of my reasons. I have one person I need to answer to and that is God. And I, we, are doing what He is telling us to do right now.

It is hard though. My nature is to people please. So when I feel like others are ‘disappointed’ in me or with what I say I will do whatever I can do to ‘make amends’ and make everyone happy with me. Wes is similar to that in a lot of ways. He is always the guy people call on to ‘move them’, to ‘make them something’, to help them. And I love my husband. He is a yes man.

But he will say yes and work his free time away on the weekends and then over time, he too gets grumpy and can’t figure out why. (and I get to feel the brunt of it!) But I get it. We are so very alike and so very different at the same time.

Last weekend while Jackson and I took much needed afternoon naps, I made him choose to go out and shoot his bow for an hour over cutting up wood in the yard. I told him that he was always working and he needed to carve out some time to just do something he really enjoys…that doesn’t involve labor. To my surprise, he listened. AND he enjoyed himself quite thoroughly.

I know that we in NO way have perfect balance still…but we are getting there….and working on it. Now, if we can just make it through the holidays with the same ‘perspective’ I think we will be on to something. *wishful thinking!*

Grandad's Apple Orchard

We spent the first day of Fall celebrating by going to a 'u-pick' apple orchard to get apples and pumpkins....not only did we end up with those things, but also enjoyed hot fresh Apple cider doughnuts washed down with Apple slushies...it was a Beautiful day! Jackson loved every minute.

 

 

 

Picking his own Apples....

 

and his own Pumpkin....

He no longer 'walks'...he runs...

I can push it!

He held still for about 5 min to snap this shot...

How I love him....

playing catch up!

Sorry been out of the blogging world for awhile.!!! Life has gotten in the way....I've had a few entries written for awhile (like the last one) just have failed to post them....

I promise my faithful bloggies, I will try and do better....

We are doing good...Jackson is 14 months and ALL boy...crazy busy....all over the place. It is exhausting but fun.

I am 17.5 weeks preggo with baby #2...feeling GREAT this time! once I made it through about week 12 I bounced back to feeling normal again and I am doing awesome. I was so sick with Jackson that this time has been truly a pleasant surprise of just enjoying being pregnant. Yes, I just said I am enjoying it...well MUCH more than I did last time!

Anyways. I promise to try and update more in the coming weeks...

Emilee Russell

There is so much on my heart at the moment that I truly don’t know where to begin this blog.

For those that are my friend on FB, I have been posting updates on a friend of mine whose daughter suddenly became very very ill while traveling to TX to go on vacation. From Beth’s posts Friday night till late yesterday afternoon, I have been logging on to FB following updates, praying my heart out, and pleading with God to heal sweet little 6 year old Emilee’s life. The answer came in a form that no parent ever wants God to answer. She is indeed healed now. Completely. And resting in His arms.

The story goes that Emilee was bit by a deer tic on Memorial Day. Like any average person that lives in the mountains and woods, you take the tic off and don’t worry too much about it. Common occurrence.

She became sick a few weeks later and Beth took her to the doctor for what they thought was just strep. While she did have to miss her kindergarten graduation, a dose of antibiotics was given and she was released to go on vacation. Needless to say, they never made it to their destination.

Her health rapidly went downhill and the doctors struggled to keep her systems from failing all while not fully knowing the cause. After having to recessate her once on Sunday, their last ditch effort was to transfer her to a larger hospital and begin doing some treatments that would hopefully give her little body the defense it needed to fight off whatever this was. The transfer was a success, the treatment was appearing to be working, and the doctor was able to confirm that she had contracted Rocky Mountain spotted fever from that tic bite.

As her body began to stabilize some, there was less and less movement coming from Emilee and they decided they needed to go in and do an MRI to check on the blood flow yesterday afternoon.

As FB blew up with people from all over praying for this family and waiting anxiously for the results, late in the afternoon my sweet friend finally wrote: “My precious girl is brain dead. We plan to take her off the vent in a few hours. Please pray for us in the upcoming days and weeks”.

Tears immediately began to sting my eyes and I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me. News no parent ever wants to hear. A decision that should never have to be made for a 6 year old.

I met Beth and Charlie at our last church. Beth sang in the choir and on the worship team with me for a long time. I remember her struggle to get pregnant. That is where her path and mine have intersected the last several years in a more intimate way as she ‘ministered’ to me through FB posts and emails as I struggled with my miscarriages.

I remember when Beth got pregnant with the twins. It was a miracle. I remember when Beth went into preterm labor very early on and the twins were born at just 24 weeks gestation. Miracle babies.

We left the church and parted ways however like I said before, through the beauty of social media, Beth and I were able to ‘keep in touch’ and follow each other’s lives. And I know she prayed. And she was faithful to always offer up encouragement to me.

Beth is an L&D nurse at our local hospital and when I finally got pregnant with Jackson, I emailed Beth and asked if she was working when I delivered, if she would get me as her patient. That was the plan. However I ended up having a scheduled C-section and Beth was not able to be my nurse. But even still, Beth came to see me on her shift.

I remember her sitting on the side of my bed rejoicing with me over the birth of Jackson. I remember her talking about Charlie and Emilee and how they were doing and growing and starting Kindergarten that year already. I remember us talking about how much deeper of a love that we feel for our kids because of how hard it was to actually get to that point.

When you have struggled with fertility and lost multiple babies through miscarriage, you form unique bonds with those that have had the same journey as you. It’s a ‘weird’ kind of sisterhood. There is an internal “I get you” and “I understand” where you’re coming from.

That is why I think this loss to me seems so much more unfair. I ‘get’ the struggle Beth went through to even conceive her babies. I ‘get’ the feelings and journeys she has taken through the miscarriages she had before the twins.

Now, to 6 years later, have your sweet girl taken from you in such a sudden way? Why God why? I know that this family knows God and loves him deeply. I know that Emilee is healed and in heaven. And that is cause to celebrate.

But I am so completely saddened and frustrated at the same time. Angry a bit for Beth. It isn’t fair. And that is just that. It isn’t fair for anyone to have to experience, but especially her.

As I got on Facebook last night to read all the comments, I found myself getting even more annoyed at all the stupid sayings, political articles being posted, feed your family only organic foods or they will die posts…ect. It just didn’t matter in light of eternity and life at the moment. And I just wanted to scream at everyone. “STOP!”

We (including myself in this statement) get so ‘caught up’ in the HOW TO of life that we forget to actually live. We forget to cherish. We forget to sit on our dog hair covered floors with unfolded piles of laundry on the couch and just play with each other. We forget to always stop striving to ‘save for our retirement’ and just take that trip to Disney world THIS year…now. We aren’t promised our kids will be here next. We forget to stop reading the how to books on child rearing, business building, and bettering our lives, and simply relish each other in the everyday moments.

My life has been thrown into overdrive here lately and I have been grumpy and short with my words. Frustrated at the daily grind. Annoyed over having to work so much. Mad at things and people. Just totally over it.

And as I have been wrestling with myself through this journey that Beth has been on with Emilee, I have been searching my soul intently.  I wept as I put Jackson to bed last night. Rocking him in the dark of his room. Getting frustrated for getting frustrated because it was taking him awhile to settle. I had my Jackson. And I cried for forgiveness. I thanked God I had a baby to rock.

Please continue to pray for the Russell family as these next few weeks unfold for them. I can’t imagine what life looks like for them as they will return home and find all her things in their house where she left them. Her dirty clothes. Toys. End of the year schoolwork. But no Emilee.

And if you have indeed read all the way to the end of this long rant of mine, take a few moments and evaluate your own life. What are you striving for? Live. Don’t be foolish, but don’t forget to live. Cherish. Say I Love You. Kiss. Laugh. Put aside petty things. Do something that isn’t logical. Buy your kids that favorite toy and surprise them with it just to see the look on their face. Because as cliché as it always sounds,” We truly aren’t promised tomorrow with them” .  So be sure to live today.

"I want my baby back baby back baby back..."

Some know that I have been taking Jackson for regular Chiropractic adjustments since the time he was around 3 months old....and swear by the improvement it has made in Jackson's fussiness and reflux.

Well, I HAD been going still regularly (for us now that looks like every two-three weeks between treatments) until around March sometime....when I missed an appointment from going out of town. I failed to call and reschedule and well, time got away from me...

After Jackson getting his first ear infection last week, and just his overall fussiness returning from teething, ears, stomach, poor sleep...you name it, I began to get that 'mothers gut' feeling again of "you need to get him back to the Chiro for an adjustment pronto" feeling.

We have had SEVERAL rough nights here lately as he is cutting his upper two teeth (at the same time) as well as what the doctor could tell when she was checking his throat, his 1 year molars look swollen in the back as well...(I about fell over when she said it looked like he was trying to cut his one year molars too!).....Jackson is 10 months. Must he always do things early? mama needs a break! He also has been in gastric distress from the antibiotics for the ear infection and we have been fighting the 'Jackson won't eat' battle all week/weekend long. He went from 18 pounds at his 9 month check up to 16.5 last week. totally frustrating as a mama. If I don't put weight on him before his one year apt we are told they are going to test him for some things just to be sure everything is normal...And yes, the Chiropractor (if you believe in that sort of thing), can also help with belly issues, eating issues ect.

Anyways, I managed to remember to call this morning and get him in on my lunch break today...sure enough, he had a few things out of whack..a few quick pops of the activator and we were out the door.

I still sometimes leave the Chiropractor thinking, "OK, now really, did that do anything?", because it literally takes about 5 min, and we are out the door....But after months of not going, and upon Jackson getting his first ear infection, I can def say that staying on a regular routine with him at the Chiro is the thing to keep doing. I notice dramatic differences in him when I keep him going on a regular routine vs when I fall off the bandwagon like I have recently.
With every cold and RSV at Christmas time, his pediatrician has been amazed that his ears have remained so clear...uncommon for little ones his age with viruses...so it isn't a shocker to me that when he finally gets an ear infection, he hasn't seen the chiropractor in months...

So with my right hand raised, "I Heather Waldorf, do solemnly swear to take my baby for his regular chiropractic adjustments as scheduled from here on out..." because I believe in them....and how they help Jackson.

I would be happy to talk to anyone that is curious about a chiropractor for babies. I've done a lot of research on it. And I would rather treat my babies aliments without prescription drugs if possible. As we have experienced this past week, drugs are brutal on a kids system. We are healing from it all now...constant doses of probiotics and back to the chiro and we are on the mend. I want my baby back!

Memorial Day Mini-Cation

So we usually go camping over Memorial Day weekend down in Charleston…but this year we just were too late in the game to get on it. Not really being able to afford hotel room ect on our own with everything else we have going on this year, we, meaning Brian and Danielle and Davin and Wes and Jackson and I, decided to split a hotel room at the Embassy Suites in North Charleston and go. We all needed a getaway.

The nice things about Embassy’s: Each room is a suite. One bedroom (with a door), and one pull out couch in the living area…. They also have a free full hot breakfast buffet complete with a omelet chef each morning. Split between the couples it was $150 each couple for Sat-Monday… That covered hotel AND breakfasts…The rooms may cost a little more per night but when you factor in all of what you are getting, the value is worth it. And crazy as it sounds with two babies and 4 adults, it actually worked out well and we all had enough space.

We spent a great weekend relaxing in the room, taking the babies swimming in the indoor pool, relaxing in the hot tub, outlet shopping, dinners and strolls downtown Charleston, the beach,  urgent care….yes, urgent care.  Jackson’s teething fussiness started getting worse and worse and when drinking out of a Sippy cup made him scream, we decided to not wait any longer and go get his ears checked. Sure enough, first ear infection. Also the first time I had to go to an urgent care out of town…and I’m sure, with a kid, it won’t be the last.

Here are a few shots from our weekend…

Jacksons first time at the beach and first time with his toes and hands in the sand....

 He wasn't afraid!

 Poor Baby wasn't feeling good that 10 min after getting there he fell asleep....for the rest of the time!

 Daddy love....

 Love the pier in Charleston...

 I realized after taking this that he was sticking out his tongue at me...so funny.

 Crazy beach hair!

 And the joys of new parents traveling with an infant....sometimes, blowouts just happen.

 

A little late....

So yeah, I have blogged a few times in the past few months....I just failed to post them...
Trying to keep up with life and family and friends and stuff at the moment makes me feel like I am drinking from a fire hydrant.

But blogging does help.

So here are a few from the last few months...

I'll try to be better.
It helps to rant. On my own personal, very vunerable, cyber space journal.
:-)

Happy Mothers Day

Yes, my first mother’s day. As the sweet smiles my direction and well-meaning statements of “what a wonderful day for you…your first Mother’s day!”…came barreling my direction yesterday I found myself at that place of wanting to shrink back into the background of ‘non mothers’.

There is a struggle that can come with people “knowing your story”. Which I would beckon to say is the #1 reason people don’t share. Avoidance of the details of your journey is sometimes easier than the emotion and vulnerability you will feel in every stage.

I struggled with this Mother’s Day this year almost as much as I have in these past few years of my journey of infertility. I struggled with the reality of my rejoicing while I still had friends grieving.  I know their pain. Still. And felt it unfair almost that I could celebrate, while they were still questioning.

I struggled because I feel like my journey into motherhood has been anything but graceful. Especially THIS weekend when I felt a bit ‘at my worst’.  

I struggled because I feel like I am constantly comparing myself and my parenting know how while everyone else’s kid is sleeping through the night while, despite my efforts, mine has slept through the night only twice since his infancy. I must be doing something wrong?

I struggled because I don’t see myself as that mom who is living in some happy bubble of mommy hood day in and day out.

I struggled because the honest to goodness truth of it is that I am realizing how worn down I look in my physical appearance these days trying to juggle a full time job, a very needy baby, a husband who is amazing to me, and feeling like I am ‘putting in my part’ in our roles at church all while my sleep is constantly disrupted every night, I have no time to exercise or ‘groom myself’.

I look in the mirror some days and think, “Goodness, am I becoming THAT Mom?”…The grumpy, unkept, barking orders at everyone around her…Mom.

Jackson was dedicated at church yesterday. To be honest, since the days of his colickyness, he has turned into quite the funny and happy little baby. But he still has his days…every now and then. And yesterday was one of them. Teething and sleep deprived hungry baby are not a good combination for being up front with 9 other babies being dedicated in alphabetical order…and “W” is the LAST one…Let’s just say he squirmed and squirmed through the whole thing…then proceeded to cry loudly during the prayer over all the babies at the very end…just to top it off. I don’t remember much of the prayer to be honest. I was more worried that I was ruining it for this very ‘special moment’ for everyone else.

It didn’t get a whole lot better. He finally slept and slept all the way through church and half the way home…WAAAAY off his normal routine….and to help, that night, we were going to someone else’s house to celebrate mother’s day with family. The house wasn’t exactly Jackson proof and there were lots of sharp edges and breakable things everywhere making for a less-than-enjoyable dinner for me as Mr.  sleep messed up Grumpy pants just simply wanted what he wanted and was letting us know when he didn’t get his way.  

We got home last night and I just simply was annoyed and over Mother’s Day. Ready to move on to normal again.

I think it was the reminder of Mother’s Day that almost made me feel a bit….guilty? Guilty at my attitude? Guilty because I should be grateful because of my journey? Guilty because I have friends wishing to be in my shoes? Guilty because I was there once and now I feel like….whining?

I don’t have profound words to say that I arrived at this ‘Ah ha” God moment and see a lesson in it all. I am still in a fog of sorts and completely exhausted at the moment. But it feels good to write it out. To clear my mental thoughts…..and guilt.

Motherhood is hard. Working a full time job AND being a mom and wife is hard. It is something we are choosing to do right now because we have to. And I realize that it is OUR choice so I need to (excuse me for saying it this way but…) Suck it up and realize I am choosing this and stop whining. I get that.

But if I am not honest about it, I am pretending to the rest of the world that motherhood and working are a ‘piece of cake’….and I am superwoman. I can do it all.

Negative my friends.

Truth is, it is hard. Sound like a broken record? Yep. Because it is. Hard. And no, I am not superwoman. I cannot do it all. And I am learning that my ‘guilt’ in motherhood creeps in the most when I think I am. Superwoman…don’t need any help from anyone, meal on the table at 6, clean baby in bed by 7, laundry put away, dog hair free floors…superwoman.

I can’t keep up with that. It just isn’t healthy for me to think that way….that I can.

Do I love my Jackson? More than I ever knew was humanly possible. Do I love my husband? More than I ever thought I could when we first met. Do I love my job? Actually, yes.  Do I love having a small group from our church meet at our house every Thursday and the ministry that happens each week? Absolutely. But it is exhausting. Exhausting to keep up with a mommy clingy trying to walk 9.5 month old every morning and night after working a full 8 hour day….exhausting to make sure I am not closing myself  off from my husband because I am tired and simply focusing on the next task that needs to get done for our week to happen. Exhausting to make sure my house is in order every Thursday night.

Truth is, I am just tired as I write this. And when I get tired, I get weepy, and open, and sentimental, and honest. Interesting how God has been keeping me in a constant state of tired lately. Breaking me of my selfishness.

Ok, well, blog is long enough. There is my rant.

My little "High Needs Baby"

The pediatrician to me at Jackson’s 9 month apt: “Let’s talk about Jackson’s temperament/ personality. Judging by my observations of him over the last few months, temperamentally, I would defiantly qualify Jackson as a high needs baby… and I don’t envy you. BUT, with that said, the positive in it is that in looking ahead, these types of children tend to be very intelligent, excellent in school and also form deeper social friendships than most kids. They are developmentally advanced and while it has its benefits, it has major struggles. You will need to work hard to keep him focused and his constant energy expended. He is more aware. He takes more work than the average kid. And that is where it becomes exhausting as a parent.”

 Nothing I didn’t already know. It was just reassuring to finally hear it come from my doctor.

High needs babies. Heard of it before?

“But Heather”, you say, “Really aren’t all babies are high needs?”
Yes. Babies are needy. Babies are sneaky. Babies suck energy out of parents. Babies are born inherently….well, sinful. Yes there I said it. And it is your role as a parent to shape them from the time they come out of your womb until the time they leave this earth. I get that.

But unless you truly understand and have had a “High needs baby”, you don’t really get it. I didn’t get it. I have had a very hard time with major mommy guilt at how my child is vs. other babies around his same age who can just sit still. Who sleep through the night. Who eat on command.  Who can be put down to play with toys. Who don’t need you 24/7.  Major mommy guilt at thinking I have created my child to ‘be this way’ by something I was doing wrong. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Feeling alone in how I would respond to him. Why is my kid so….different?

I have done research. I have had friends send me to websites and blogs. The most common website is called “the fussy baby site”. And honestly, I have found great comfort in those sites.  Knowing I am not alone or going crazy.

Below is The 12 Features of a High Need Baby according to Dr. Sears* –

1) Intense 2) Hyperactive 3) Draining 4) Feeds Frequently 5) Demanding 6) Awakens Frequently 7) Unsatisfied 8) Unpredictable 9) Super Sensitive 10) I Can’t Put My Baby Down 11) Not A Self-Soother 12) Separation Sensitive

From the time Jackson came out of my womb, he came out really really alert. Reaching milestones developmentally very early on and I knew something was way different about him.

His colicky, reflux issues, neck issues and Fussiness aside, the two words I have heard others  use to describe Jackson  when they meet him is active and intense. If I had a dime for every time someone said to me “Wow, you have your hands full!” I could have paid off my student loans in the 10 months of his little life.

He doesn’t do well with other people holding him. He still isn’t a good self-soother.  He never stops moving. He demands either Wes’s time or mine or both of us if we are in the room together. Very unpredictable. Hanging on my leg constantly. And just recently, even started crying when I leave him with my Mom in the morning who has watched him since he was a very tiny baby. I could go on and on about his poor sleep habits. His busyness. His constant mommy neediness.  And I know all babies go through phases of stuff. Stuff like what I just listed. But with Jackson, he is all of the above all the time. Period.

I could sit here and pour out my heart at the guilt I have felt from others when it comes to Jackson. All my regrets about mommy comparisons when in a group talking about our kids. My constant feelings of desperation in wanting another friend to have a high needs baby so I can have a person who just ‘gets it’. My overwhelmed and alone days of feeling like a mommy failure. My total exhaustion with him.

But I am not going to do that.

It hasn’t been until recently that God has really been working on my heart with these issues. I have to admit I have been secretly mad that after all I have been through; God gave me a hard baby.  But with that said, I am in the process of learning to accept the fact that God has made Jackson how God has made Jackson. His intensity in how he sees and explores and feels this world is going to be exciting as we watch him grow and mature from baby, to little boy, to man. And in my opinion, I am excited to watch how his High needs personality is going to play out.  This world needs more men that are ‘feelers’ that are overly aware of their surroundings that can form deep emotional relationships that never lose sight of their immediate protector. My only hope is that it is transferred from Mom and Dad to God. When I think about him wanting the Lord as much as he wants me right now, I get all goose bumpy. I could very well be raising a true world changer. *perspective is a wonderful thing*

As his mama, I have a choice at this stage of the game. I can choose to frustratingly try and control his sleep, control his eating, and control his neediness by simply not responding. Yes, I know Crying it out won’t kill a baby. I know that overscheduling is good for some. I know that making them sit and play by themselves is good….trust me, I have tried it all. And continue to try.

But the more I accept Jackson as his own individual, with his own little genetic make-up from God, who needs me to respond differently to him (as exhausting and constant as it is), I could be squelching something God wants to eventually develop into something deeply beautiful. Not that he isn’t now. Because he is. But at times, as his mom, I feel overwhelmed by these factors. Feel like I am treading water every day just to get to the next stage with him hoping it will provide me some rest.

Yes I am still the parent. Yes, sometimes I just have to let him cry because I need some sanity. And yes, I love him so very much.

I am tired. Exhausted. Haven’t slept a full night since way before he was born. But Jackson is changing me. Changing my perspective. Breaking me of my deep control issues. Forcing me to once again realize my need for God and that I don’t know it all. Overwhelming me at the love I get from him constantly. (Mommy neediness isn’t always a bad thing. J )

To anyone out there that is reading this that ‘gets it’….gets the high needs baby, you are not alone. You are a great mom. Your child needs you differently, and that is ok. Don’t beat yourself up about sleep. Don’t let others talk down to you. Be confident that “He who began a good work in you, and your child, will be faithful to complete it.”….”He is your rock and your shield”….”He is your rest”.  Look to the Lord for your parental validation, not the wisdom of men. And most importantly pray. Pray for yourself. Pray for your child.

I know how much you need sleep. I know how much you wish you had more patience. I know how much you just sometimes want to not hold a baby. I know how much you want to not worry when you go somewhere if it will be great, or a disaster. I know how you feel. I know.

A day in the life of us....

 

First off let me just say what a slacker I am on the blog front these days. Well, maybe not a slacker…but oh so busy and too tired to want to think at night most nights by the time little man is fed, bathed, and in bed to want to do anything more than sit in the recliner with a cup of tea and a mindless tv show.

Yeah, that is life for us right now. A little hectic…a lot slower….and a lot more structure.

Monday through Friday looks a little something like:

- 6am wake up, change a very wet diaper

-Let a whimpering dog out the door to go pee…feed dog.

-Push brew on the Keurig and Jackson and Mommy anxiously await the sweet cup of life that is pouring forth into my cup. Jackson loves watching the coffee come out and all the sounds it makes. I think I am grooming a coffee lover.

-I go put Jackson on top of Wes in bed to wake him up…Now that he is mobile he has to be watched at all times…he is forever getting into everything. SO usually, Wes keeps Jackson entertained whilst I manage to make myself look presentable and work ready in 15 min or less; clothes, hair, make-up…all of it.. (Showers have now been in the evenings when I can get them…)

-I then put Jackson in his highchair, roll him into the kitchen where I am and throw some Gerber puffs in front of him while I fix him and us breakfast. I’m doing a low carb, high protein diet thing trying to drop baby pounds (and it is working), but that usually means cooking eggs most mornings….good thing we have chickens! And lately Jackson has taken a liking to mommy’s scrambled eggs so now he is getting his oatmeal cereal AND an egg. So cooking breakfast is important. If I skip it for me, my day is shot.

-Sit down at the table with my now lukewarm cup of coffee and eggs…turn Wes’s iPad on for Jackson to watch some free episodes of Sesame Street while he eats his breakfast. (yes I know…I swore I would NEVER be one of those moms however I have learned that it is the only way to keep his attention long enough to get him to sit still long enough for me to shove food in him with little mess…So, yes, I have become THAT MOM…but he loves it…and Elmo too…and I love watching him squeal and smile at certain parts in the episode now...so cute.)

-Leave Jackson with daddy so I can gather the rest of his things, and mine and go put them in the car…

-7:30am Jackson and I leave the house and daddy gets himself ready.

-Jackson watches the Ipad to Grandma’s house in the car. Again, yes, I know…swore I would never be that mom BUT you have a child who is a terrible car rider and commute every morning and afternoon during rush hour traffic and you will do almost anything to figure out a more pleasant experience for everyone. Thus far, I think he just gets bored because he loves watching his cartoons all the way to Grandmas.

-Get to Grandmas and get Jackson settled and situated…sometimes I have a little time to play with him before I have to bolt to work. I love that last little bit of 15 min or so I get. Makes leaving him a little easier.

-Go to work. Work hard all morning.

-About noon I usually am able to get away most days and run grab a bite to eat, run back to moms and spend 20 min or so playing with Jackson before I head back to work. Makes my work days SO much better when I get my Jackson fix mid day.

-Go back to work. Work hard all afternoon.

-Leave work promptly at 5 and drive back to moms to pick up Jackson.

-Throw Jackson and his stuff in the car and drive home. Ipad on. Baby content…well, for at least most of the ride.

-Get home around 5:40ish and drag baby and as much as I can carry up three flights of stairs.

-Let dog out…feed dog.

-Promptly start dinner as little guy is starting to get oh so hungry at this point. He’s hit a growth spurt and I can’t seem to keep his tummy full most days. Usually Wes is home at this point and able to watch Jackson while I cook…sometimes he is later and it means watching a very curious crawling little guy who wants everything in the kitchen WHILE I try and cook dinner…its interesting. To say the least.

-I am learning to plan out and prepare a little more my dinners so they are usually no fuss and simple and easy to prepare in 15 min or so but sometimes I have to get really creative.

-Sit down and eat at least by 6:15…Jackson now mooches from my plate…he has become way more interested in my food than his and we are working on transitioning over to some table food for him….

-Then, we leave all the dinner mess alone and go play…on the floor…usually still in my work clothes…Time is so vital and important these days and he is changing so quick.

-By 6:45-7ish he is usually at the end of his rope and getting fussy so we go start the bath….

-Bath time is always fun. Jackson loves water. Mommy loves a clean smelling baby. It relaxes Jackson and mommy.

-And daddy is a super dad. Typically while I am giving Jackson his bath, Wes is cleaning the kitchen for me. All the dishes…And starting laundry. He is amazing. Sometimes he waits till Jackson is in bed before starting them. But HE is the one that always does them. Without me asking.

-By 7:30ish we are snuggled in the recliner upstairs with Jacksons blanket a few books, and a bottle. By 8, he is fast asleep…and sometimes I just sit there and hold him for a little because I am too tired to get up and carry him downstairs to his crib….and holding a sleeping, sweet smelling baby is a great way to unwind after a long day.

-When I get enough effort and energy to get up and put Jackson in his crib, I come upstairs and start making bottles for the night and the next day. Putting together as much as I can so I can get out of the house in the morning with little to no fuss.

-Then, I sit down and crash. Unless I need a shower…then I shower…Or unless I need a cup of tea…well, you get the point.

-Jackson still gets up at night. He is a restless one. Has his fathers bad sleeping habits. And he eats all night long…again. Growth spurt at the moment.

-So I am up and down a bit through the night. Oh don’t worry…I am pretty used to it. And I still manage to wake up feeling somewhat refreshed. It won’t be forever I know.

Let’s just say that come Friday though, we are SO SO SO ready for the weekend.

Ready to just wake up on Sat morning in our PJ’s and drink coffee and play with Jackson on the floor.

Ready to not have to go anywhere or see anyone.  Where the biggest outing is to Target and/or the grocery store.

Ready to go to the pool up the road and take Jackson for a swim. (he loves it!)

Ready to sit on the front porch swing in the afternoon and rock Jackson to sleep for his afternoon nap.

Ready to go fishing if the day and or weather permits.

Ready for a day where we don’t have an agenda…we can just be.

Ready to fix a pizza on Sat night and watch a Redbox.

Sunday is church and usually lunch with family/friends…then home to prepare for another week.

We are learning the value of slowing down since having Jackson. Learning that our nights and days through the week have to have a certain structure for it all to work well. Learning to not push Jackson too far and that our outings will be way more fun if Jackson gets a good nap and we time our errands after he wakes up.

To some it may seem like a boring and monotonous way to do life. But to us, right now, it is fun and exciting to see our life change. To watch us as a couple learn to place value on certain things we never really thought of before. To place an emphasis on our family first and to be ok with it. To turn things (events, invitation’s ect) down because we just need our weekend to us.

Is it hard? Yes, especially through the winter months. The early dark nights and the cold cold mornings. I was a grump most weeks. Being a working mom is tough. It is A LOT of work. Sometimes, a lot of pressure. But we don’t have a choice at the moment. And I know that I know that this is right for us at the moment.

AND now that Spring is here and I look out the window and see flowers blooming in the morning…and can take my baby out in bare feet and his onsie sans a blanket or jacket that he hates having on him, it makes it a little easier. I can sit out on the front porch swing with him at night and rock him to the sound of the creek across the way and daddy building something in his man cave. Peaceful.

We love our little family. I love the family we are morphing in to. The things we are learning to do as a family. It is a fun new journey. And one that I am eternally grateful I get to experience.

BBQ?

Funny short story.

Got home from running errands on Saturday around 1ish. When we got out of the truck both Wes and I smelled something…..off. Wes checked the engine of his truck first. Nothing.

So we thought maybe the neighbor was burning some trash?

As we reached the door, Wes looked out into our wooded yard and noticed a flame coming from the top of our power pole. Ut oh.

I took Jackson in the house to get him down for a well overdue nap as Wes called the fire dept.

At the same time our dog came barreling out of the door, legs crossed, needing to go find a spot to relieve herself. Once properly emptied out she followed Wes down the hill as he went to inspect our flaming pole.

As he peered up, Roxy was digging below and discovered something tasty to chew on….Wes thought it was a stick at first…but, wait a minute….a hairy stick….ugh! squirrel tail!

Wes continued to look up and noticed that the pole was not on fire but something on top of the pole….oh wait….um, yep, that would be the tail less squirrel. Aflame. On top of the power pole. Fully engulfed.

He had already called the fire dept. at that point so he threw Roxy in the house as we knew she would do nothing but bark incessantly at the fire men. I then locked her whimpering in the bedroom as I would be roasting her tail if she woke the now (finally) sleeping baby up.

Two fire trucks, three fire men, and Wes stood at the bottom of the pole watching a squirrel burn for eh, about an hour or so. Apparently it happens a lot in these parts and the fire dept. is required to stay put until the creature has been fully cremated and the power line is no longer smoldering.

All that to say, just when I think I have seen it all on our funny farm….God totally knocks one out of the park with a ‘new’ rather funny experience.

Prayers of the Saints...

We have a small group that meets in our home every Thursday night. This group of friends have become a source of great support and love…more like family. We laugh together, eat together, study God’s word together, cry together, and pray over one another on a weekly basis. It is a priceless gift I never want to be without.

 

My brother and sister in law are part of this group and just last week, as Danielle neared the due date of her first baby, we gathered around them and prayed over them. Prayed for a safe delivery, for protection, for strength.

Prayers like that are important.

Sunday night at midnight Danielle went into labor. 4am they went to the hospital. As soon as her doctor checked her, her water broke and out came….the cord. Not good.  Cord prolapse is a rare and very dangerous thing for the unborn baby.
My brother described it as a scene from a movie. A nurse jumped on top of Danielle to put pressure on the baby’s head. Everytime Danielle contracted the blood supply to the babies brain was cut off causing his heart rate to drop to really bad levels. Teams of people rushed in, pushing Brian out of the way saying things like, “Emergency C-section”, and “We need to deliver NOW”….Both Brian and Danielle were thrown into a state of shock (as if the thrill of having your first baby isn’t enough shock already) as Danielle’s clothes were cut off her as she was wheeled down the hall into the operating room.

It was about that time that Brian started calling all his family in a panic because he wasn’t told what was going on…but he knew it was serious. Wes flew out of the house and to the hospital. My parents made their way there as well. Just to sit in the waiting room as a support for Brian in case….

Prayers of protection are necessary and powerful and needed for one another.

I truly believe that because of those prayers of protection for them just a few nights prior, God protected them from the zillions of ‘what if’ bad scenarios that could have happened to the baby that morning.

Modern medicine is a marvelous thing. Davin Grantly Guengerich was delivered in 3 min., healthy and crying and 100% normal.  Because Mama had to go under general anesthesia for the whole thing, Brian was given the opportunity to do skin to skin until Danielle was out of surgery and in less pain. The drama and trauma of the situation had subsided and just a few short hours later they were moved into the mother baby room, fully 100% healthy and thriving. Totally exhausted but totally thrilled at the beautiful little guy in their arms.

I praise God for this new little life that was protected on Monday morning. That mama made it ok and is doing great. That they were at the hospital when this happened. IF they would have been at home, well, it might have been a whole different scenario. But God knew. And God protected.

 And I praise God for our gel group of friends who pray. Let us never forget to pray for one another. We NEVER ever know the things that are about to face us in our days or weeks.   

Sleep....

So sleep is finally making its way into the Waldorf household. Finally.

I have been scared to write anything about it as I don’t want to jinx myself but 7 straight days of only (briefly) waking up once at night, and I feel like a normal person again. I truly believe this improvement has come from two basic things: his age (6 months) and his dinner puree I have been making him.

I love my pediatrician. Love.  He treats each kid as an individual and doesn’t just group them into a statistic or ‘this is what the norm is for this age’ diagnosis. He said in our very first appointment that he treats each child as if it were his own child. And all of his kids were very different. And as a wonderful support to me personally, he has had a kid who is exactly like Jackson. Personality, colic, reflux, bad sleep, early everything, extremely active…ect. So he sympathizes and has given me great, non-text book advice on how to manage through the baby years with Jackson.

At his 4 month appointment Dr. O’Donnell handed me a ‘feeding chart’ of what is typical in beginning to start solids. Then he said, “You can go by this chart or you can do a few things that I am going to suggest that are counterintuitive to this chart…your choice”.

At that point I had already started Jackson on cereal. And he was tolerating it. Basically I was told that the cereals are nothing more than empty calories and he would like to see me start giving him proteins as a priority. Egg yolks specifically. Avocado. Pureed meats.

Jackson had dropped from the 30% percentile in weight down to the 5^th and still not doubled his birth weight by a few pounds. His doctor really wanted us to try and put some protein in his diet to see if it would help him gain some weight.

I tried egg yolks and pureed meats (which are YUCK!) at 5 months and Jackson kept spitting it up and spitting it out…so I decided to wait a few weeks before trying again.

I started again when he neared the 6 month corner and finally had success. For the last week and ½ or so I have started giving him JUST half a hardboiled egg yolk (yay for having chickens!), ¼ of an Avacado, and a fruit pureed into a pudding like mixture at his night meal. And for the last week and ½ , just as if it is some magic potion, Jacksons sleep has gotten less restless and he has started going for longer stretches.

And just the last few nights he has rustled to around the 1am mark, eaten a few oz of formula and gone right back down and slept till it is time to wake up in the morning. No more crazy getting up 3 or 4 times and being so restless it is hard to lay him back in the crib without waking up.

All that to say that Jackson is finally starting to eat better, sleep longer, and be and overall happier baby. Praise God for eggs and avocados.

And as we round the 6 month corner, he is finally turning into a good little car baby, a wonderful stroller baby, and a napping anywhere champ!

6 months I have determined is a glorious baby age. I love 6 months. Jackson is a total character. Full of life and energy but getting a little sense of humor that makes being away from him during the days even harder. He is crawling, almost sitting up, and trying to pull himself up on things. He copies our noises and expressions, laughs at the slightest thing, and jumps into the arms of the person he wants.

I never thought I would say this but this age makes me want several more kids. Everyone told me at the beginning it gets easier…it gets better and better. And it so does! I know that with age comes new trials and things to learn for both Jackson and us but we are having so much fun. Time spent on the weekends and at nights for us are so so SO special and priceless.

Anyways, all that to say our fussy colickly days are finally a mere memory in light of our sleep filled nights and laughter filled days. Love my little guy. Love our family.

6 months old...

Duck, duck....BATH!

That face kills me....

Daddy thinks my ears are HUGE

We do this a lot....Very limber this one...

So that is how you grow a beard?

Winter nights...

So last night, as I was giving Jackson his ‘goodnight’ bottle and watching him slowly drift off to sleep in my arms as I rocked him *gasp! Oh yes I do....and I love every minute of our nighttime routine*, I found myself with this urge to not want to take him down to his room and put him in his crib.

Well let me just say that feeling was not just last night, but lately….a lot. I love holding him while he sleeps. And find myself not wanting to put him down.

The winter for me brings many memories of my journey through infertility. Three miscarriages in a row, D&C’s, rounds of clomid, a lot of inconclusive testing….While the three miscarriages took place over the course of a year and 1/2, the hardest miscarriage, my second, happened in the wintertime. And now, when the harsh cold winter nights drudge on, memories of such a dark time of my life seem to flood back more vividly than at other times in the year and I can still remember the darkness and pain I felt in that whole God-forbidden experience.

My OB kept encouraging me through our struggle by saying, “The only cure for the pain of a miscarriage is a baby in your arms”…And I agree with that statement, to a point. .. While a lot of the struggle and memories of tears have faded in light of Jacksons birth, I have not forgotten those years it took to get here. I still remember the sleepless nights wondering if I will ever be able to fully carry a pregnancy to term. Wondering what it felt like to have a baby in my arms that was mine. Waking up in the hospital after my D&C’s feeling so empty and just wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere and cry….for days.  Remembering the sadness I felt as I would start my cycle each month afterwards, not pregnant….again. And Now, thanks to a complete miracle from God, I have been given sleepless nights because I indeed did carry a pregnancy to term….and was blessed with a little bundle of sleepless joy. So I feel a bit torn as to wanting to ‘wish’ or “train” this time away just so I can start getting more sleep. Truth is, I really haven’t slept well for almost three years now.  

I say all of this to say that Jackson’s lack of self-soothing ability may very well be my “fault”. His night waking still may be because I can’t stand to let him fuss or cry in the middle of the night all alone in his crib. In fact, he whimpers and I run. And I am not ashamed to say it. But the older he gets (now almost 6 months already) deep down in I am realizing how fleeting and fast moving these moments are. How desperately I wanted this. How good it feels to be able to comfort him even when I am so exhausted. My arms were empty for so many years and now they are filled with my little restless, squirmy, still gassy baby, and the fact that he needs me in the middle of the night, well, I know that too is going to be over soon. And I’m getting a bit sentimental over it. Because I don’t know what my future looks like in terms of child bearing from here on out. 

I may still struggle. I may still have more miscarriages. I may not be able to get pregnant again. This may be the only time I get to do this for a while….or ever.  TO comfort and rock my baby in the middle of the night. And so I admit, I recently realized why the advice others having been encouraging me with to sleep train my baby, or let him CIO comes as such harsh advice to me. They don’t know the road I have walked to get here. And I pray they never have to know that road. But that is why my extreme take on parenting style ‘grace’ comes as such a soap box for me. We each have different journeys, and roads, and methods....and reasons.

All these feelings and emotions also come as his sleep is getting better….he has been going for much longer stretches here lately. And as crazy as it sounds, I am almost sad about it.  Last night he went about 6.5 hours. First time in a long time.  And as crazy as it sounds, I found my arms aching for him in the middle of his sound sleep.

I know to some this may sound all so absolutely absurd. So silly. I know it doesn’t ‘damage’ a baby to let him CIO. But I also know it does not damage a baby to respond either. And so for me, I choose to respond. Am I tired? Yep. Do I wish some nights he would just sleep already? Yeah. But do I love nights like last night where I sat and rocked him back to sleep at 1am and at 4am and prayed over my sweet sleeping little boy? Totally.

This is a phase. Time and growth are teaching me that. Jackson’s ability to sleep longer and longer is nothing of my doing, just simply him getting older. One thing Jackson’s fussy colicky infant days taught me as I look back is that it does indeed end. Time moves on. And things get better on their own. And I need to stop worrying about it all so much.  I actually look back at infant pictures of him now and suddenly miss how small he used to be. It’s all so crazy sounding because I realize now how miserable I was most days of his infancy and how much of that time I spent wishing him older. Little did I know how fast it all does move.  That is time I won’t get back.

I love being a mom. I love being Jackson’s mom. I love watching Jackson and Wes together. I love our little family. We are tired. We are worn out. But we are happy. And he is healthy and growing. And if I could just slow time a bit down now I would. But I can’t. So we take it one day at a time. One night at a time. This too will soon become a fleeting memory.  

In the mean time I crank up my newly purchased Keurig and brew myself another cup of life giving caffeine…and raise my hands to heaven….and simply say “Thank you”.

Update

Not sure if you heard or not, but the Waldorf house just survived almost a month of sick infant hell. After Christmas, Jackson ended up with a very nasty cold…that turned into RSV Bronchitis with a sinus infection on top. MISERABLE baby. He is still a bit snotty as we are FINLLY down to just a runny nose ….but this runny nose is most likely the result of teething. And THAT, I can deal with.  In fact, teething is a piece of cake compared to the RSV junk.

The hardest part of the whole ordeal for me was having to get up and work 40 hours a week after spending night after night up every few hours to try and console my poor, sick, uncomfortable, steroidal antibiotic ridden baby…Sometimes sleeping on me. Sometimes in his crib with me on the floor just because I was tired of going up and down the stairs so much in the middle of the night. Top that off with a husband who also became very sick. (I KNOW Wes is sick when he willingly drives himself to urgent care AND stays home from work two consecutive days in a row)  Followed by a  very sick Grandma (who he stays with during the day) who almost got pnemonia….well, this past month, between trying to care for everyone else and the juggling around of my work schedule ….I almost committed myself. And almost quit my job…just out of sheer exhaustion.

But I didn’t. And I hung in there. And we made it through thanks to prayers and the sweet grace of God.

I am amazed still that I didn’t get it as bad as Wes and Mom and Jackson did. After all, I was the one who was up all hours being coughed on, sneezed on, puked on…ect. Averaging maybe between 4-5 hours a night of sleep when all the waking and crying was said and done…I have NEVER in my life been more tired. I don’t even know how I did it. I kept thinking, “Ok, I’m next…brace yourself, it’s just a matter of time”.   At the advice of my Mom's doctor, I ate yogurt like a crazy woman, pounded the probiotics, drank Emergency’s like they were going out of style, and sucked down lots of chicken soup....and also in sheer desperation, I prayed. A lot. Actually, I might have cried several times in the middle of the night getting very angry and honest with God. Sometimes that is all he wants. Our honesty. And I truly believe that he heard my cry. Even though at times, it didn’t feel like it.

But He did. And He protected me.  Because while I did get a touch of the cold, it never cost me work time . Just a touch. Nothing more. THAT is a miracle.

And now, thanks to such a bout of sickness, I have now become super paranoid and VERY VERY aware of the cold and flu germs going around out there….Yes, yes, I have now turned into the crazy mom who carries a can of Lysol in her diaper bag, wipes down the WHOLE cart while out shopping, washes her hands like and OCD person, and well, if you ask to hold my baby and have even the slightest tickle in your throat, my answer will be  a giant, resounding, NO!...Actually, it might be no for the rest of cold and flu season…. just because. Sorry, Jackson is just off limits for now.

Please understand me….I am not trying to be rude or hateful; It’s just, I want a little peace and rest from sickness for a bit. The nebulizer is finally resting quietly on the shelf. The antibiotics finished. And we are getting back to some sense of normality. One foul germ, or cough, or sneeze in Jacksons general direction could flare it all back up again….and I just am not ready for that.

I knew babies had no immune system. But knowing and experiencing are two very different things. They are susceptible to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going around.  Even the mildest of colds. And his little immune system is still a bit compromised. And we are finally back to just waking one or two times a night….and going for longer and longer stretches…and the bags under my eyes are slowly going away. And routine is nice….And I am almost detoxed off my intense and very necessary coffee routine.  And my house no longer smells like a giant cough drop thanks to special added stuff to the humidifier we now have running in every room.

I can almost see 100% health in the very near future. Almost.

But until we are there, we have become a bit hobbit like at night and on the weekends. Venturing out to go to Target or the grocery store, but making it quick trips only. It’s just for the best right now.

So there you have it. Nothing more to report at this time. Hopefully it will stay that way. Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. It could have been worse. And I am oh so grateful it wasn’t. Please please be careful this season. It is bad. Be mindful of others. Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Take your vitamins. And pray.