Ok here it is. My promise to those of you crazy enough to
muddle through my inept writing skills.
As stated in my FB post, I have been surviving my second
child’s bout of colic/reflux the last two months. It has been fun. Let me tell
ya. No really.
I am not sure what I have done to deserve going through this
twice. Not going to relive Jacksons crazy infant months but he came out a fussy/colicky/refluxy little soul,
and also a very ‘high needs’ baby now turned into a ‘high needs’ toddler. All you
mamas familiar with the phrase ‘high needs’ will understand what I mean. Yes
all babies/kids are needy. But there is a certain ‘type’ that are a
bit….mmm….different.
Just google Dr Sears 12 characteristics and you will see
what I mean. The only child rearing book I have actually spent money on is his
book “The fussy baby book” which made me feel like less of a failure thanks to
the other zillion “how to” raise your child books given to me by moms that
swear by them that made me constantly feel like a failure because, well, my kid
just didn’t DO all those nice schedule things….and for good reason. He is
different. Even our pediatrician at our first apt with Jackson said, “He is a
tough one. Good luck. If it’s any consolation, these kids tend to be extremely
smart and do very well academically. But it will be a rough several years.
Especially the two’s…. (Which we will hit…mmm. Aug1. Yeah, already experiencing
it…thanks doc) So suffice it to say, I did not walk into motherhood with
Jackson very gracefully. Postpartum struck me hard and I had a hard time
coping. But we got through it and on to happier times. And once I ‘got’ who
Jackson is, I fell deeply in love with him.
So we thought surely we couldn’t have TWO like that. Our 1
in however many babies struck with colic odds were in our favor the second go
around….right? WRONG
Levi, who’s
temperament is much different (still needy but not quite what Jackson was) than
Jackson, was absolutely a perfect little baby the first 3-4 weeks…I
have to say though, looking back, I know God’s hand was in it during those
graceful weeks with Levi because the day we brought him home from the hospital,
Jackson was diagnosed with a really bad case of RSV and I spent my ‘recovery’
period from a C-section breaking all the rules of lifting and taking it easy,
getting Jackson better. But then Levi said, “Ok my turn now mom”, and well then
the fussiness came….back arching, coughing, gaging, choking on every feed….crying
escalating into screaming…and officially at 4 weeks we then entered into infant
reflux/colic hell.
I say that to say those of you out there that have always
had cute, cuddly, easy, go with the flow infants/babies have absolutely NO clue
what it is like. Seriously I have laughed out loud reading some ‘colic/reflux’
message boards online when some smart mom gets on there and says, “Have you
tried the Mylicon gas drops? It worked for my colicky baby!” or “Gripe water
saved us!!”….Seriously chick, that ain’t colic if you can “fix” your babies gas
with those. You have NO CLUE so get off the message board.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but Reflux is hard. Colic is awful.
It isn’t ‘just gas’ that can be fixed with an over the counter remedy (although
I have gone through gallons of gas drops and gripe water trying)…it is
unbearably gut wrenching watching your new bundle of baby screaming in agony. And
you, as a sleep deprived mom, trying with all your might to ‘fix’ them for
months with elimination diets, formulas, medicines, chiropractors, old remedies
your grandmother swears by….but nothing works.
Like imagine your baby being possessed. That is my only description that
I can visualize to get it through someone’s head. I can show you a video of
Levi in a ‘colic fit’ but I am not going to post it here. It is not your cute
baby. It was as if something came into his body and took over. And you are left
speechless. For a few weeks he was like that all day long. Sometimes
inconsolable, but mostly always fussy. I have spent hours upon hours listening to
his fussing or crying…. For weeks that turn into months. It is enough to drive
someone to the utter brink of jumping out a window, driving off the road,
overeating, under eating, drinking….name your vice.
Seriously think I am suffering some kind of PTSD after
surviving this ordeal. Well, we are
still in the midst of it…its fading a bit, but not fully through it yet. Still
going bonkers.
I have yelled at God, yelled at Levi, yelled at Jackson,
yelled at my husband, yelled at myself, yelled at the dog…yes, I have lost
it…many times. I will admit it. It is hard. And there have been days when I
have sat and cried with him and Jackson rocking both of them in the recliner
most of the day because, well, it was all I had the energy or mental capacity
to do. I have gone many days unbathed and unkept. Days where I don’t know if I actually ate anything at all and days when I ate everything in sight. I have worn the same clothes days upon days in a row because I literally didn’t have time to go change my clothes. I know my husband has come home from work wondering why the dishes are still piled up in the sink and the unfolded laundry baskets still unfolded...Did I have windows of time to do those things? Yes, maybe I did that day. But in those moments I would find myself sitting in that same recliner…rocking…googling things…just sitting waiting and wondering which one was going to wake up first…or anticipating the meltdown moment when they both woke up at the same time and neither one of them very happy about the other needing mommy too. Just sitting trying to survive the day till bedtime only to wake up in a dazed fog the next morning happy to chalk one more day to the past and to get through one more day of putting all of this behind us.
People have offered to help me. But I have been too
embarrassed to actually take them up on it or know where to start to have them
help. My life is a wreck right now and so are me and my house….
And Jackson. My poor almost two year old who is oh so
introverted and likes routine, calm, quiet, oh so busy and requires lots of
attention, well, has been having a bit of a time adjusting to the noise and
chaos of his new brother and his frazzled parents. There are times where colic
has returned in him in response to Levi’s colic. And me, being not right in the
head right now googling all these ‘behaviors’ wondering if he is showing signs
of autism or some other sensory processing disorder because well, he is having
another fit on the floor, all the while my mom laughing at me to remind me that
he is about to turn 2 and that his comprehension and abilities to do things are
off the charts and he is ‘responding’ to his version of coping with the whole situation
assuring me all the while he will never remember half of this. Frazzled parents, screaming and crying all day long, not being able to be picked up by mommy because she is frantically pacing the floor with his NEW baby brother; and him, being a late talker and not able to verbally express what he feels, well, does so emotionally. He, in a way, is mimicking me. He is saying, “Mommy is off her rocker” so I will do the same. Poor boy. I do feel mommy regret for him. I want him to look at me and see strong. But he isn’t right now. I can’t expect him to be strong when I am not teaching him how to be. He’s close to two, but he’s not quite there. He is still a baby himself. Two under two...who thought that was a good idea?
To be honest I miss my time with Jackson the most. Wes has had to take over most duties with him like bath time, getting up, going to bed, because well, I am trying to get through another bottle with Levi or bouncing a colicky baby all evening long. I miss Jackson. He is a sweet soul. My firstborn who I know I have made so many mistakes with but we have gotten through it...together...kinda a special bond...and I miss just holding him or playing with him not having to worry about the screaming kid in the background.
In some of my darkest moments when he has seen me lose it with tears running down my face, he looks at me and intentionally tries to do something funny to make me laugh. And that is when I know he gets it. In his own way. And I know he’s ok. And I plead with God for the millionth time to let this dust settle soon for the sake of all of us.
I remember regretting Jackson. I remember the “what were we
thinking having kids?” feeling I got with him the first time through this. I
now feel the same way with Levi. *gasp! I said it…honesty* And I am not going
to apologize to anyone by saying that this is a time in my life I don’t ever
want to relive or revisit. Desperately wanting a family my whole life to suffer
through three miscarriages and two bouts of colic seems horribly cruel. I just
don’t ever want to go back and revisit this again. Ever.
Am I wishing his infancy away? Yes. Yes I am. When you
suffer through this with your child you want them to hurry up and grow up too
because it will only make them feel better. You know the only cure for their
gut wrenching baby heartburn is for them to get older, quick, and you know that
time WILL indeed fix it so you wish it away for them too. That is my ONLY
sanity at the moment in living this through the first time. I DO understand it
has an end. Don’t feel sorry because it’s not sad. It’s looking ahead at the (finally) happy stages you have coming. I don’t like babies. Babies are hard. My babies are hard. And it’s ok for me to say that. I do love my children, but many many moments over the last few months, I have not liked them. I just want one day where I don’t hear screams first thing when I wake up or the last thing before going to bed. One day where I drink my coffee hot. Or eat on a normal plate at a normal time. Or sleep more than 3 hours in a row. Or be able to groom the way I used to.
I am not asking for pity. From anyone. That is the last
thing I need right now. I don’t want hate mail or bad comments because it
sounds like I am ungrateful and I need to count my blessings in all this. And yes, I know the phrase "God doesn't give you more than you can handle...ect ect"...well, at times it has totally felt like more than I can handle. And I am not doing well handling it. I know I will look back one day and be able to
understand a little clearer, but right now all I want is to move on already and
be able to enjoy my kids. I don’t want counseling advice. Yes I know I may need
some counseling. I defently know I need a haircut and a long shower. And a
massage. And sleep. Yes. Sleep.
Ok. Long enough blog. Maybe I will be funnier in a later one
but for now, just catching you up. 