As you can see with my first blog, motherhood has not been a
walk in the park at all for me…..and its true, I don’t know what I am doing.
Let me start by saying that I have babysat my whole life.
The easiest and smallest of infants to the hardest and most difficult kids you
could think of. And I have done it well. Piece of cake. So I thought motherhood
would be ‘natural’ to me. Because I knew how to babysit.
HOWEVER, my biggest misconception and judgment that I
imposed upon my ‘know it all attitude’
when it came to thinking about the things I would do when I had my OWN kid,
quickly faded away the minute I gave birth and my hormones plummeted….couple
that with the never ending sleep deprivation and 24 hour buffet from your womanly
parts and well, I quickly began to repent of all the preconceived notions I had
about child rearing…and my own judgments. I have broken every single rule I
said I would NEVER do.
Like letting my baby sleep in our bed….or rock them to sleep….or
not put them down. Granted, Jackson has had some ‘issues’ as an infant. Reflux
and gas has led to a fussy and colicky infant that was constantly
uncomfortable. Therefore I HAD to do what I HAD to do to get a little sanity.
There were some days when napping for him was so hard that once I got him to
sleep, I would hold him through his entire nap just so he would sleep because
if I put him down, he would wake up….and fussing would resume….and he needed a
nap, and I just needed a break. And the only way to get a ‘break’(which just
meant SILENCE) would be to hold him…or have him sleep next to me or on me.
I spent the first 10 weeks of his life googling….reading and
Re-reading books like “Babywise” and “The Happiest Baby on the Block” looking
for a magic formula to get my child to accept my schedule and my way of life…and
I tried all those things…the schedules, the swaddling, the white noise..e.ct. And
nothing would work. And I was consistent…VERY. I would fight Jackson every step
of the way and quickly grew frustrated and almost resentful towards my little
bundle of joy who wasn’t. I mean, the
books made it sound super easy…and made a lot of sense. So why wasn’t Jackson ‘playing
along’? And why couldn’t I make him? I MUST be a bad mom.
And then finally one day, after a lot of tears and finally
realizing that my baby wasn’t ‘just colicky’ and being bad, but actually
hurting and in pain as well as a very high needs and alert infant, I threw away
everything I had read and just took that day and his and my time as it came to
me. I decided I wasn’t going to force him to eat. I wasn’t going to demand he
play for JUST an hour. I wasn’t going to then try to force him down for a nap.
I was going to watch my child, celebrate his individuality, and listen to him. When
he got unbearably tired, he would eventually go to sleep. I was done trying and
ready to just let it all go. I just was done.
And as I began to do that, I started to learn my child. Day
after day, I followed his cues, read him, and just like that, a light bulb went
off and something clicked.
I learned that my Jackson needed extra attention. That he
wanted me to teach him and talk to him. He needed my undivided attention. And I
needed to put down my agenda for a bit and just listen to his needs. That this
time with him was indeed fleeting and who cares if I hold my baby to sleep. I
learned quickly his tired cues and when I let him get out his energy in his
timeframe, he would fall asleep without fight. And nap throughout the day. I
would sit and watch him sleep and study his little features. I know he has a
birthmark on his head. One ear is bigger than the other. He still has a soft
spot on the top of his head that you can watch his heartbeat through. That he
laughs in his sleep. That he has my nose.
And as I relaxed a bit with naps and where he would nap and
how he would nap and sleep, HE began to trust me more and more for me to put
him down. Within a week, he was comfortably
napping in his own crib or in the car seat or at my moms. I can put him down
drowsy but not quite asleep yet and he knows that he is ok. He can fall asleep
as I shop in TJ Maxx in the baby bijorn. He can fall asleep in the middle of
Buffalo Wild wings on a football Sunday afternoon. Sounds cooky I know, but through learning him, he has
learned to trust me more. Something the books never said to do first. Learn
your infant and the rest will follow. At least, that is what is happening for
me.
I learned that he was hurting and needed to be held upright
after feedings so he wouldn’t get heartburn. I learned that that time was
special to talk to my ever changing
boy. I learned how to ‘wear’ him in the baby bijorn while we were out because
he is a very alert infant who was already curious about the world around him
yet needed to be close to his mama as he was discovering.
I learned that his fight of the swaddle was because he
indeed hated it and wanted to sleep on his belly. (GASP! Oh yes he does!)
I learned that some days he just might be going through a
growth spurt and everything I did the day before would not work….so I bent. And
learned to be flexible.
I learned when to let him cry in the car seat and when it
was time to pull over and soothe him a bit before moving on.
I have taken principles from Babywise and many other books
and websites and used them in practice; however, I am learning that motherhood
means more than hyperscheuding or placing a guaranteed method to your child’s
day. Does that mean that he doesn’t need naps? Nope. He does. And I now know
what that typically looks like for his day…give or take a short snooze here or
there. But for me to tell you that he naps from this time to this time each day
or eats every day at 7, 10, 1, 3, 6,9, and a dream feed…well, just ain’t
happening. He marches to the beat of his own drum. And he is much happier and
so am I. And it is working for both parties.
I am learning to celebrate Jackson for Jackson and that he
doesn’t really fit one specific mold of a baby. And you know what? That is when
he got fun.
Granted we made it through the colic and evenings of inconsolable
crying fits, and he still gets fussy and irritable, but I learned to take each
day with Jackson as a new day….and celebrate his individuality. He isn’t like
everyone else’s content baby who can sit for hours by themselves and soothe
themselves to sleep. And I don’t want him to be like everyone else’s kid.
Because he is my own unique kid with a special call on his life….and I
celebrate that. And finally, motherhood got instantly fun for me.
I love when his little face lights up when he sees me now. I
love that at night, he wants me to hold him and give him that last bottle of
the night. I love that I know when he is irritable because he hasn’t had a good
diaper. I love that he laughs at me and gives me kisses. I love that I know his
ticklish spots.
I could write all the things I have learned these last few
weeks and probably bore you to death with all the ‘I loves’…. Just sad it took
me so long to figure out.
So from now on, the how to books will remain on the shelves
as good suggestions and guidelines. The googled and starred websites on the HOW
TO’s of infants are deleted. The swaddle sacs and white noise CD’s put away
because they aren’t for Jackson. Maybe my next kid will respond positively to
those things, but not him.
Not that I don’t want suggestions or help and believe I have
it all figured out. I just have learned to take those things with a grain of
salt and find my own way in this journey…and rejoice in Jackson and less in a
method.
Like I said, I know about 1% of being a mother so far so you
can totally laugh at this blog of mine and say, “Sucker!” ….just wait till 6
months….or just wait till____ (fill in the blank). But for now I have begun
really truly enjoying my little guy immensely more than I ever thought possible
because I have put away those things.
And just as he gets fun and I get a little smarter we start
on our next journey….and soon to be blog….back to work…..and thus another
learning curve begins.
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