Happy Mothers Day

Yes, my first mother’s day. As the sweet smiles my direction and well-meaning statements of “what a wonderful day for you…your first Mother’s day!”…came barreling my direction yesterday I found myself at that place of wanting to shrink back into the background of ‘non mothers’.

There is a struggle that can come with people “knowing your story”. Which I would beckon to say is the #1 reason people don’t share. Avoidance of the details of your journey is sometimes easier than the emotion and vulnerability you will feel in every stage.

I struggled with this Mother’s Day this year almost as much as I have in these past few years of my journey of infertility. I struggled with the reality of my rejoicing while I still had friends grieving.  I know their pain. Still. And felt it unfair almost that I could celebrate, while they were still questioning.

I struggled because I feel like my journey into motherhood has been anything but graceful. Especially THIS weekend when I felt a bit ‘at my worst’.  

I struggled because I feel like I am constantly comparing myself and my parenting know how while everyone else’s kid is sleeping through the night while, despite my efforts, mine has slept through the night only twice since his infancy. I must be doing something wrong?

I struggled because I don’t see myself as that mom who is living in some happy bubble of mommy hood day in and day out.

I struggled because the honest to goodness truth of it is that I am realizing how worn down I look in my physical appearance these days trying to juggle a full time job, a very needy baby, a husband who is amazing to me, and feeling like I am ‘putting in my part’ in our roles at church all while my sleep is constantly disrupted every night, I have no time to exercise or ‘groom myself’.

I look in the mirror some days and think, “Goodness, am I becoming THAT Mom?”…The grumpy, unkept, barking orders at everyone around her…Mom.

Jackson was dedicated at church yesterday. To be honest, since the days of his colickyness, he has turned into quite the funny and happy little baby. But he still has his days…every now and then. And yesterday was one of them. Teething and sleep deprived hungry baby are not a good combination for being up front with 9 other babies being dedicated in alphabetical order…and “W” is the LAST one…Let’s just say he squirmed and squirmed through the whole thing…then proceeded to cry loudly during the prayer over all the babies at the very end…just to top it off. I don’t remember much of the prayer to be honest. I was more worried that I was ruining it for this very ‘special moment’ for everyone else.

It didn’t get a whole lot better. He finally slept and slept all the way through church and half the way home…WAAAAY off his normal routine….and to help, that night, we were going to someone else’s house to celebrate mother’s day with family. The house wasn’t exactly Jackson proof and there were lots of sharp edges and breakable things everywhere making for a less-than-enjoyable dinner for me as Mr.  sleep messed up Grumpy pants just simply wanted what he wanted and was letting us know when he didn’t get his way.  

We got home last night and I just simply was annoyed and over Mother’s Day. Ready to move on to normal again.

I think it was the reminder of Mother’s Day that almost made me feel a bit….guilty? Guilty at my attitude? Guilty because I should be grateful because of my journey? Guilty because I have friends wishing to be in my shoes? Guilty because I was there once and now I feel like….whining?

I don’t have profound words to say that I arrived at this ‘Ah ha” God moment and see a lesson in it all. I am still in a fog of sorts and completely exhausted at the moment. But it feels good to write it out. To clear my mental thoughts…..and guilt.

Motherhood is hard. Working a full time job AND being a mom and wife is hard. It is something we are choosing to do right now because we have to. And I realize that it is OUR choice so I need to (excuse me for saying it this way but…) Suck it up and realize I am choosing this and stop whining. I get that.

But if I am not honest about it, I am pretending to the rest of the world that motherhood and working are a ‘piece of cake’….and I am superwoman. I can do it all.

Negative my friends.

Truth is, it is hard. Sound like a broken record? Yep. Because it is. Hard. And no, I am not superwoman. I cannot do it all. And I am learning that my ‘guilt’ in motherhood creeps in the most when I think I am. Superwoman…don’t need any help from anyone, meal on the table at 6, clean baby in bed by 7, laundry put away, dog hair free floors…superwoman.

I can’t keep up with that. It just isn’t healthy for me to think that way….that I can.

Do I love my Jackson? More than I ever knew was humanly possible. Do I love my husband? More than I ever thought I could when we first met. Do I love my job? Actually, yes.  Do I love having a small group from our church meet at our house every Thursday and the ministry that happens each week? Absolutely. But it is exhausting. Exhausting to keep up with a mommy clingy trying to walk 9.5 month old every morning and night after working a full 8 hour day….exhausting to make sure I am not closing myself  off from my husband because I am tired and simply focusing on the next task that needs to get done for our week to happen. Exhausting to make sure my house is in order every Thursday night.

Truth is, I am just tired as I write this. And when I get tired, I get weepy, and open, and sentimental, and honest. Interesting how God has been keeping me in a constant state of tired lately. Breaking me of my selfishness.

Ok, well, blog is long enough. There is my rant.