My little "High Needs Baby"

The pediatrician to me at Jackson’s 9 month apt: “Let’s talk about Jackson’s temperament/ personality. Judging by my observations of him over the last few months, temperamentally, I would defiantly qualify Jackson as a high needs baby… and I don’t envy you. BUT, with that said, the positive in it is that in looking ahead, these types of children tend to be very intelligent, excellent in school and also form deeper social friendships than most kids. They are developmentally advanced and while it has its benefits, it has major struggles. You will need to work hard to keep him focused and his constant energy expended. He is more aware. He takes more work than the average kid. And that is where it becomes exhausting as a parent.”

 Nothing I didn’t already know. It was just reassuring to finally hear it come from my doctor.

High needs babies. Heard of it before?

“But Heather”, you say, “Really aren’t all babies are high needs?”
Yes. Babies are needy. Babies are sneaky. Babies suck energy out of parents. Babies are born inherently….well, sinful. Yes there I said it. And it is your role as a parent to shape them from the time they come out of your womb until the time they leave this earth. I get that.

But unless you truly understand and have had a “High needs baby”, you don’t really get it. I didn’t get it. I have had a very hard time with major mommy guilt at how my child is vs. other babies around his same age who can just sit still. Who sleep through the night. Who eat on command.  Who can be put down to play with toys. Who don’t need you 24/7.  Major mommy guilt at thinking I have created my child to ‘be this way’ by something I was doing wrong. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Feeling alone in how I would respond to him. Why is my kid so….different?

I have done research. I have had friends send me to websites and blogs. The most common website is called “the fussy baby site”. And honestly, I have found great comfort in those sites.  Knowing I am not alone or going crazy.

Below is The 12 Features of a High Need Baby according to Dr. Sears* –

1) Intense 2) Hyperactive 3) Draining 4) Feeds Frequently 5) Demanding 6) Awakens Frequently 7) Unsatisfied 8) Unpredictable 9) Super Sensitive 10) I Can’t Put My Baby Down 11) Not A Self-Soother 12) Separation Sensitive

From the time Jackson came out of my womb, he came out really really alert. Reaching milestones developmentally very early on and I knew something was way different about him.

His colicky, reflux issues, neck issues and Fussiness aside, the two words I have heard others  use to describe Jackson  when they meet him is active and intense. If I had a dime for every time someone said to me “Wow, you have your hands full!” I could have paid off my student loans in the 10 months of his little life.

He doesn’t do well with other people holding him. He still isn’t a good self-soother.  He never stops moving. He demands either Wes’s time or mine or both of us if we are in the room together. Very unpredictable. Hanging on my leg constantly. And just recently, even started crying when I leave him with my Mom in the morning who has watched him since he was a very tiny baby. I could go on and on about his poor sleep habits. His busyness. His constant mommy neediness.  And I know all babies go through phases of stuff. Stuff like what I just listed. But with Jackson, he is all of the above all the time. Period.

I could sit here and pour out my heart at the guilt I have felt from others when it comes to Jackson. All my regrets about mommy comparisons when in a group talking about our kids. My constant feelings of desperation in wanting another friend to have a high needs baby so I can have a person who just ‘gets it’. My overwhelmed and alone days of feeling like a mommy failure. My total exhaustion with him.

But I am not going to do that.

It hasn’t been until recently that God has really been working on my heart with these issues. I have to admit I have been secretly mad that after all I have been through; God gave me a hard baby.  But with that said, I am in the process of learning to accept the fact that God has made Jackson how God has made Jackson. His intensity in how he sees and explores and feels this world is going to be exciting as we watch him grow and mature from baby, to little boy, to man. And in my opinion, I am excited to watch how his High needs personality is going to play out.  This world needs more men that are ‘feelers’ that are overly aware of their surroundings that can form deep emotional relationships that never lose sight of their immediate protector. My only hope is that it is transferred from Mom and Dad to God. When I think about him wanting the Lord as much as he wants me right now, I get all goose bumpy. I could very well be raising a true world changer. *perspective is a wonderful thing*

As his mama, I have a choice at this stage of the game. I can choose to frustratingly try and control his sleep, control his eating, and control his neediness by simply not responding. Yes, I know Crying it out won’t kill a baby. I know that overscheduling is good for some. I know that making them sit and play by themselves is good….trust me, I have tried it all. And continue to try.

But the more I accept Jackson as his own individual, with his own little genetic make-up from God, who needs me to respond differently to him (as exhausting and constant as it is), I could be squelching something God wants to eventually develop into something deeply beautiful. Not that he isn’t now. Because he is. But at times, as his mom, I feel overwhelmed by these factors. Feel like I am treading water every day just to get to the next stage with him hoping it will provide me some rest.

Yes I am still the parent. Yes, sometimes I just have to let him cry because I need some sanity. And yes, I love him so very much.

I am tired. Exhausted. Haven’t slept a full night since way before he was born. But Jackson is changing me. Changing my perspective. Breaking me of my deep control issues. Forcing me to once again realize my need for God and that I don’t know it all. Overwhelming me at the love I get from him constantly. (Mommy neediness isn’t always a bad thing. J )

To anyone out there that is reading this that ‘gets it’….gets the high needs baby, you are not alone. You are a great mom. Your child needs you differently, and that is ok. Don’t beat yourself up about sleep. Don’t let others talk down to you. Be confident that “He who began a good work in you, and your child, will be faithful to complete it.”….”He is your rock and your shield”….”He is your rest”.  Look to the Lord for your parental validation, not the wisdom of men. And most importantly pray. Pray for yourself. Pray for your child.

I know how much you need sleep. I know how much you wish you had more patience. I know how much you just sometimes want to not hold a baby. I know how much you want to not worry when you go somewhere if it will be great, or a disaster. I know how you feel. I know.