Balance

What is that exactly?

I have been struggling to find it these days if I am being honest.

Between working 40 hours a week, being a wife, a mom to a crazy tot, pregnant with baby #2, small group hosts in our church, a sister in law, daughter and friend…balance is just simply hard.

A few months ago I felt like I was going to crack. Like seriously, get me some Valium and a padded room I can’t keep doing this anymore feeling. A lot of pressure at work with some harder groups, Jackson popping teeth out like a winning slot machine making his sleep oh so terrible, managing my own nausea and fatigue, and trying to keep up with the everyday demands of just laundry and groceries, I felt as if I was going to lose it. Even the littlest question from family members or friends felt as if they were asking me to donate my bone marrow for them. It is safe to say I just felt overwhelmed.

On top of that it seemed as if we were constantly being plagued with emails from our church needing people to help volunteer for set up on Sunday’s or to attend this bible study or moms group or class….I was just feeling overwhelmed by all the places people wanted me that I just had to say no.

*WHOA!*

One thing the Lord has been showing me lately is that even though I am a ‘working mom’, I have a responsibility to my household first. If I cannot be present there, than it isn’t worth it. Even for the insurance (which is the main reason I work).  We were so overwhelmed with ‘responsibilities’ that we were simply just making it day by day. Living robotically. Not even really talking. Just managing life. Our lives needed margin. We needed to ‘slim’ back a few places and start being ok with saying NO to things. Even good things.

I was becoming very cynical and resentful of church, people, places, God, Wes, anything I could ‘blame’ on my busyness other than myself. I was grumpy and short with Jackson. Frustrated with him because i couldn't get anything 'done'. Truth is, it was my own fault for the pressures I was placing on myself.

We are in a season right now. A season where we have to choose wisely what is most important at the moment. I’m not saying that serving at your church or having coffee with a friend isn’t important. But I have come to a place where I need to admit my limitations. And yes I do still need other people. But it just looks a bit different right now. And that is ok. It is a temporary place. A season.

I am pregnant. Quite sleep deprived. A mom to a very active boy. A wife to a husband that needs me. An employee to a place that I have responsibilities to. I can only do so much. And that means I can’t do it all and say yes to everything.

It’s amazing what happens when you just start to say no. The last few weekends have been glorious. We have spent them doing much needed stuff around the house like cleaning (with actual cleaning products!), going for walks/wagon rides with Jackson around the lake, swimming at the gym, eating dinner out as a family, napping, shopping ….just being us. I have to say that even though Jackson is still furiously popping teeth through his gums and his sleep isn't perfect, it has gotten better. He is happier because we are doing things WITH him. His little attitude has even improved. *Coincidence? I think not.*

It’s funny though; I am finding that when you start to say no to things, especially church obligations, you get funny reactions. Some actually find it offensive. Others pretend like they didn’t hear you and keep asking. And yet others will simply badger you with questions about why you said no. Or say such things as, “Maybe you should quit your job if you feel so overwhelmed?”…um, since when did diligently providing for my family becomes more of a priority over setting up chairs on a Sunday morning? I serve God through my family…through providing for my family. That is as "God honoring" as being the head of every committee at church in your free time. If not more. *Gasp! I said it!* 

My attitude to ‘not be cynical’ has influenced my decision to be ok with my answer of no, even if the person on the other end cannot fathom it. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to try and convince the other side of my reasons. I have one person I need to answer to and that is God. And I, we, are doing what He is telling us to do right now.

It is hard though. My nature is to people please. So when I feel like others are ‘disappointed’ in me or with what I say I will do whatever I can do to ‘make amends’ and make everyone happy with me. Wes is similar to that in a lot of ways. He is always the guy people call on to ‘move them’, to ‘make them something’, to help them. And I love my husband. He is a yes man.

But he will say yes and work his free time away on the weekends and then over time, he too gets grumpy and can’t figure out why. (and I get to feel the brunt of it!) But I get it. We are so very alike and so very different at the same time.

Last weekend while Jackson and I took much needed afternoon naps, I made him choose to go out and shoot his bow for an hour over cutting up wood in the yard. I told him that he was always working and he needed to carve out some time to just do something he really enjoys…that doesn’t involve labor. To my surprise, he listened. AND he enjoyed himself quite thoroughly.

I know that we in NO way have perfect balance still…but we are getting there….and working on it. Now, if we can just make it through the holidays with the same ‘perspective’ I think we will be on to something. *wishful thinking!*