Living on Caffeine and Zoloft....My Journey into motherhood

Meet Jackson Isaiah Waldorf.

Born August 1st, 2012 at 1:30pm via C-section. 

Weight: 7lbs 7 oz  19 in long

What a journey. 

For those of you that have followed my other blogs for years, you know the journey we have been on to see this little face in our lives. Multiple losses and a very hard pregnancy over the span of two and 1/2 years have given us quite the faith journey to even see this sweet little face. 

In the next few weeks and months, as I get time (cough cough...'time' with a newborn is not something one has much of these days) , I plan on writing out his birth story. So many emotions and things that happened that day that I could literally write a book on that one experience. 

So hold on, it is coming. 

But our journey with Jackson was just beginning the day he came into the world and the reason why I have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth for the last few months since his arrival. 

Let me start by saying OH how I love my little boy. So much. 

But it has been hard. 

Jackson did not come into this world and out of my womb willingly. And he is still fighting. 

Thats right, from the time we brought this sweet little face home, crying was bestowed upon our household. 

Some that have come and visit and spent time with me over the last several months have remarked that they do not think he is a fussy, colicky infant. But they don't spend 24 hours a day with him. Just because a baby is labeled "fussy or colicky", doesn't necessarily mean they cry all the time. He has his great moments. He has good days. 

But he also has very very hard ones too. A lot more than anyone has seen....because I don't bring him around much.  

And for that reason, I don't get out much. He is too unpredictable. 

I have journeyed through some really dark dark moments in the last few months. Moments where I was so mad at God for 'blessing me' with a baby that fusses all the time because of tummy and reflux issues....moments of being in a panic not knowing if I can walk through another day or a long long night trying to console Mr. Grumpy pants. 

Moments of regretting. 

Yep, Honest Heather is back. 

That's right. Moments where I have wanted to take my kid back to the hospital and trade him in for one whose crying mechanism has magically been removed. 

Moments where I wanted to be childless again. (gasp! I said it!) 

Moments where I have sat and cried as he cried wondering if my life is done and I will always have to hear his cry.

Lets just say I have not walked into motherhood with 'grace'.  

For those of you that have journeyed through a fussy baby, you know what I am talking about. You know the lack of sleep, nutrition, and bathing that happens. You know that you lose who you are as you are constantly caring for an infant that demands ALL of your day; all of your time. 

You know those feelings. Those dark places. 

Times where you want to just jump....off the porch or out a window. 

I have joked with my mom about taking him back to my doctor and demanding a refund because I think he cut the umbilical cord in the wrong spot. 

(thank the Lord for my mother....she has got me through some dark sobbing filled days) 

I have had to restrain from wanting to punch people in the face when they ask me if I just LOVE being a mother. 

Cause honestly, I have not. Yet. well, not always. 

Again, I know I sound ungrateful. PLEASE don't mis read me either. I LOVE my little boy. Deeply. Hence the reason why my season of trial has been so dark. I love him so much that this hurts. I wanted him soooo badly that this has been like a stab in the heart. 

It hurts to see him hurt. It hurts to know that he came into this world and has spent about the first 70% of his life crying and fussing. 

And recently, as mad as I have been at the Lord....as many times as I have literally cried out in the night in anger, I recognize that colic.....fussy baby....is a result of sin. Not God's fault. Human depravity at its core. But it is hard to not yell at God in the journey I have taken and asked "why me?"....again? 

Jackson is almost 10 weeks old and just yesterday we had a good day. I mean, less fussy, more content smiley baby. I think we are coming around the bend. 

The doctor and zillions of websites I have read says that this should all start subsiding by 3-4 months and be completely gone by 6 months. So I know hope is around the corner. 

And I love that little face. I do. I love that he is mine. Most days. He is starting to crack me up with all his silly grins and coos. He is starting to know who I am and let me console him. He is starting to wake up to a world of feeling better. And so am I. We are getting through it together. And that is a bond that he and I will always have. 

So there you have it. Once I regain a bit more brain power that has gone from my unwashed head, I will write more. But right now, I am just too sleep deprived to focus that long and make sense. 

There is a story here. There is a testimony here. But I don't see it yet. I don't feel it yet. I am still too upset yet to 'get it'....to see the bigger God picture in all of this. But I know it is coming. So hang on with me if you want. 

Hang on. 

Hope is on the horizon. 

Right?