Winter nights...

So last night, as I was giving Jackson his ‘goodnight’ bottle and watching him slowly drift off to sleep in my arms as I rocked him *gasp! Oh yes I do....and I love every minute of our nighttime routine*, I found myself with this urge to not want to take him down to his room and put him in his crib.

Well let me just say that feeling was not just last night, but lately….a lot. I love holding him while he sleeps. And find myself not wanting to put him down.

The winter for me brings many memories of my journey through infertility. Three miscarriages in a row, D&C’s, rounds of clomid, a lot of inconclusive testing….While the three miscarriages took place over the course of a year and 1/2, the hardest miscarriage, my second, happened in the wintertime. And now, when the harsh cold winter nights drudge on, memories of such a dark time of my life seem to flood back more vividly than at other times in the year and I can still remember the darkness and pain I felt in that whole God-forbidden experience.

My OB kept encouraging me through our struggle by saying, “The only cure for the pain of a miscarriage is a baby in your arms”…And I agree with that statement, to a point. .. While a lot of the struggle and memories of tears have faded in light of Jacksons birth, I have not forgotten those years it took to get here. I still remember the sleepless nights wondering if I will ever be able to fully carry a pregnancy to term. Wondering what it felt like to have a baby in my arms that was mine. Waking up in the hospital after my D&C’s feeling so empty and just wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere and cry….for days.  Remembering the sadness I felt as I would start my cycle each month afterwards, not pregnant….again. And Now, thanks to a complete miracle from God, I have been given sleepless nights because I indeed did carry a pregnancy to term….and was blessed with a little bundle of sleepless joy. So I feel a bit torn as to wanting to ‘wish’ or “train” this time away just so I can start getting more sleep. Truth is, I really haven’t slept well for almost three years now.  

I say all of this to say that Jackson’s lack of self-soothing ability may very well be my “fault”. His night waking still may be because I can’t stand to let him fuss or cry in the middle of the night all alone in his crib. In fact, he whimpers and I run. And I am not ashamed to say it. But the older he gets (now almost 6 months already) deep down in I am realizing how fleeting and fast moving these moments are. How desperately I wanted this. How good it feels to be able to comfort him even when I am so exhausted. My arms were empty for so many years and now they are filled with my little restless, squirmy, still gassy baby, and the fact that he needs me in the middle of the night, well, I know that too is going to be over soon. And I’m getting a bit sentimental over it. Because I don’t know what my future looks like in terms of child bearing from here on out. 

I may still struggle. I may still have more miscarriages. I may not be able to get pregnant again. This may be the only time I get to do this for a while….or ever.  TO comfort and rock my baby in the middle of the night. And so I admit, I recently realized why the advice others having been encouraging me with to sleep train my baby, or let him CIO comes as such harsh advice to me. They don’t know the road I have walked to get here. And I pray they never have to know that road. But that is why my extreme take on parenting style ‘grace’ comes as such a soap box for me. We each have different journeys, and roads, and methods....and reasons.

All these feelings and emotions also come as his sleep is getting better….he has been going for much longer stretches here lately. And as crazy as it sounds, I am almost sad about it.  Last night he went about 6.5 hours. First time in a long time.  And as crazy as it sounds, I found my arms aching for him in the middle of his sound sleep.

I know to some this may sound all so absolutely absurd. So silly. I know it doesn’t ‘damage’ a baby to let him CIO. But I also know it does not damage a baby to respond either. And so for me, I choose to respond. Am I tired? Yep. Do I wish some nights he would just sleep already? Yeah. But do I love nights like last night where I sat and rocked him back to sleep at 1am and at 4am and prayed over my sweet sleeping little boy? Totally.

This is a phase. Time and growth are teaching me that. Jackson’s ability to sleep longer and longer is nothing of my doing, just simply him getting older. One thing Jackson’s fussy colicky infant days taught me as I look back is that it does indeed end. Time moves on. And things get better on their own. And I need to stop worrying about it all so much.  I actually look back at infant pictures of him now and suddenly miss how small he used to be. It’s all so crazy sounding because I realize now how miserable I was most days of his infancy and how much of that time I spent wishing him older. Little did I know how fast it all does move.  That is time I won’t get back.

I love being a mom. I love being Jackson’s mom. I love watching Jackson and Wes together. I love our little family. We are tired. We are worn out. But we are happy. And he is healthy and growing. And if I could just slow time a bit down now I would. But I can’t. So we take it one day at a time. One night at a time. This too will soon become a fleeting memory.  

In the mean time I crank up my newly purchased Keurig and brew myself another cup of life giving caffeine…and raise my hands to heaven….and simply say “Thank you”.