"Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work I go..."

Let me start this blog off by stating that ALL moms are ‘working mom’s’….AND please don’t take offense to what I am about to write if you are a stay at home mom….because I am not ‘bashing’ anyone or saying one is harder over the other….being a new mom myself, I never fully understood or could relate with other mothers when I was childless, at the dedication, sacrifice, and 24 hour demand being a mom placed on your heart and soul, body, and personal grooming…until now. It is hard to be a mom….period. And ‘just’ being a mom is a full time job alone…trust me I now know what it is like!

 I do want to commend my other working mom friends and relatives for the things I never knew about you before and how much you handle in your days. You all are my hero’s and I will be looking to all of you in the upcoming years as my working mom mentors. I already know the ‘guilt’ that is placed on your heads from other folks who feel that because of your sacrifice to work you are forever damaging your child or missing out on the greatest thing ever….motherhood. I have felt it through innuendos and comments already.  You, I mean, WE, are not. WE are not missing out on anything. AND our children are and will be just fine.  AND you, I mean we, are still Mothers. Always and forever a mother. It just looks different for us. We shouldn’t judge life choices made by others whether you decide to stay at home and be a mom or go to work and be a mom. Both are equally hard.  And BOTH involve being a GOOD mom to your children. Period.

However, I will say, since starting back to work full time, being a “Working mother” does take on a whole new level of ‘crazy’.  

I started back last Tuesday. Woke up Tuesday morning after Jackson having a really restless night to a blustery, windy, rainy and snowy yucky morning. Had to get myself ready and Jackson fed and ready and in the car to take to moms before getting to work.  Jackson is still not a great car baby and I was not looking forward to that drive. Luckily, Wes offered to drive us since we didn’t know what the weather was going to do the rest of the day and getting home could pose an interesting and icy trip…so feeling needy and exhausted at the thought of trying to maneuver through snow with a crying baby in the backseat, I gladly accepted his offer to drive us. I am glad I did.

Needless to say, I cried the whole way to work. And at work. I called my mom about an hour after getting to work to make sure he was ok and doing good. (And he was…of course he was)

It was mama that was having a rough time.

Last week was hard. This week has progressively gotten better….I always used to look forward to going home at the end of the day but now I REALLY look forward to going home. And weekends? I REALLY REALLY look forward to weekends.

As much as I would love to quit my job and stay home, it just isn’t feasible for us to manage that right now financially. Mostly because of medical insurance. AND, I have a REALLY REALLY good job with great benefits, lots of vacation time thanks to me working so long at one place, AND it is close enough to my ‘daycare’ (aka Mom’s house), that going to see my little man at lunch is a possible daily occurrence. Which I have done…and gotten to feed him and put him down for his afternoon naps .

So I have it good. Really good.  Better than most. And (I almost feel guilty for saying this) I strangely found great comfort walking into my office and sitting at my desk in the quiet and getting some work done that didn’t involve diapers or bottles…

It is weird that I have had this hard of a transition back to work since my walk into motherhood the first several weeks and months of Jacksons life were not very graceful. I wanted nothing more than to be back at work and not be tending to a constantly fussy and irritable newborn for 24 hours a day. But now? Those feelings and emotions literally left overnight. In the last several weeks it has gotten easier. He has gotten more adjusted, less fussy, and way more fun. Days seemed to fly by quicker and quicker as he has gotten older. I have learned how to maneuver with him through stores and checkout lines, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning….ect. A combination of him getting more manageable and me getting my ‘mother shoes’ broken in a bit. Both of us got easier with time.

And just as I adjust to the one way of life with Jackson in my days, I go back to work and have to re-adjust to a new way of life once again. This time, way harder on me than him.

Thanks for all of you who have been praying and texting and emailing and calling. You have been my support system and kept me sane when I thought I was going to lose it. I beg of you, keep it up as I journey into new unchartered waters (at least for me) once again.

Jackson is  3 ½ months old now. Cute as a button. And a perfect gift to Wes and I.  There are so many lessons in our journey with our struggle to become these last few months. Lessons that I am still learning and that the Lord is still speaking to me on. I have a lot of questions for the Lord on WHY he chose to give me a difficult infant. But I know what he gave, he equipped me for. Even if I felt, at times, like I couldn’t walk another day. And with that behind us,  I look forward to our journey ahead of us in this new and crazy ‘working mom/wife’ role.  As much as I have finally stopped trying to ‘figure out’ my confusing infant, I have stopped trying to ‘figure out’ God’s ways. They aren’t our ways.

 I guess I have learned a thing or two these past few months. Just stop trying to live in the future days, and start living the ‘now’ moment.  Accepting the things on our plate at the moment, and forgetting the things behind or ahead of us. Having Jackson has taught me to appreciate the little things in front of me and stop trying to get too far ahead or figure out why I was there.  

So today I am grateful for an amazing husband, an adorable little boy, a great family, and a wonderful job. I am forever blessed.